There, I said it. It’s out in the universe, hanging in the space between my chair and the walls of my room.
I am insecure.
I’m waiting for the world to pronounce their judgment about me. About how this admission means I have no romantic future, how I am the cause of all my relationship issues and how doomed my love life is.
But I say it again, with unwavering conviction — I am insecure.
There’s no pride or shame, joy or sadness about it. It is a fact — and I’ll explain why it isn’t the end of the world.
I am insecure.
I will always “love more.” I will miss him more often than he will; I will make grander gestures, sooner than he will; I will call more often, cry more often, and get a little more jealous than my fair share; I will want to be a bigger part of his life; I will seek more validation that should be required.
He will always be a priority. Sometimes, at my expense.
I am insecure because I choose to share my life completely with no one, except for — the one. With friends, I am free, but the strong one. With family, I am safe, but always the ambitious achiever. There’s never been any other person, except for my partner, who I have chosen to reveal all my sides to.
Horrible day at work — only one person to call and vent.
A debilitating bout of flu — only one person who I can call to babysit me at my crankiest self
A catty remark about a co-worker — only one person to share it with, without being judged for it.
Crazy selfie with a face pack — only one person to send it to for sharing a silly laugh
Stupid meme with a really weird sense of humor — he’s the man to tag, because not only will he “get it,” he’ll really appreciate it!
Because I have chosen to keep my walls high, because the vulnerabilities and fears are hidden from most, because that one person gets the mighty responsibility of being my all; and most importantly — because I have knowingly chosen this life — I am okay, knowing that I have picked this much-judged path.
I will always “love more.”
He will always be a priority.
But I will do all of these, and still be worthy of love.
Because I am more than my insecurities.
I am fiercely loyal; I will stand by him whenever he needs it (and even when he says he doesn’t); I am his loudest cheerleader; I can be a warm and spindly hug at the end of an impossible day; I am empathetic and I understand what he won’t say out loud; for him, I will go farther than he would ever imagine.
So, yes — I am the Insecure Girlfriend.
But — That’s not all I am.
I am more than my insecurities.
I just hope that he can see it too…