I just want to say…
You’re dating more than just one girl.
And that’s my fault. I think.
I’m here — and so is this anxious girl who hides between my smiles and laughs. She reveals herself at times when you tell me that my ‘imperfections are just as lovable’.
That girl wants to tell you something.
She NEEDS to know things.
Overthinking is not a spoonful dug into a tub of ice cream for comfort on a warm summer night. Replaying conversations inside her head over and over is not a preference of way of life. She does not choose to switch into moods, only to snap out of them at the fear of disappointing you.
She does try though – she tries very hard to not disappoint you. But she’s sorry.
Anxiety sneaks up on her in the middle of sentences.
And then, the rest of your words are drowned over the rush of blood in her ears.
All she can see are your half words, unsaid words.
Painted with her panic,
hanging in the air ahead,
dripping over her feet into puddles.
If you would just stop and hear the screaming silence, which is threatening to to tear out her heartstrings, you would hear it too…
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, Please stay…”
I live so many hours not knowing sweetheart; so many minutes in uncertainty, so many seconds just trying to grasp onto something real.
Did you ever think about this? “Maybes” are worse than “Nos”.
An innocent ‘maybe’ feels like a bucket of ice water splashed onto my naked body in the middle of a December night, leaving me in cold shame.
Shameful for wanting reassurance, for not being enough by myself, for not being strong, for being this way. For all the nots and knots that make my life.
For being outside naked in the middle of a December night. For all those shameful things, I’m sorry.
None of this is your fault.
I know we promised, in sickness or health.
But no, I don’t need you to try and help me. I don’t want the burden of your sad eyes on my broken shoulders, love.
I’m going to be okay someday.
I just wanted to tell you, I hope you don’t let my imperfections scare you.
I love you too.
Your Anxious Girlfriend