Not so very long ago, in a recent discussion with one of my guy friends about who had the best chance of winning the FIFA finals, he suddenly exclaimed, “Wait a second, Aren’t you a girl?! And you like soccer!” I was exasperated! Is it so obvious for a guy to love soccer? Isn’t it preposterous when you are asked at times how come you follow any sports? In fact, a study reflects that 55% of women in the world watch soccer. And yes we just don’t watch it because of Messi’s boyish charms or Neymar’s hairdo; we can figure out much more than that.
You got it right, our knowledge might not be greater than yours when it comes to off-sides, penalties, free kicks, or yellow cards but we are no less either. In fact we do get hurt to sexist remarks like “Oh, so you watch soccer too?” Yes, we do and manage to clean the house, cook, and have babies.
So is soccer a mere testosterone-raising, bicep-showing, strong-calves, heavy-panting game or there is just too much undue masculinity attached with it? I beg to differ, I figured out many terminologies in the game are actually quite feminine
In fact, I think there is a funny analogy between women and soccer.
1. Attacker and Defender: The attacker is the player whose job is to play the ball forward towards the opponent’s goal area to create a scoring opportunity. A player whose job is to stop the opposition’s attacking players from goal scoring is the defender. Women are both attackers and defenders when it comes to arguments and if you defend yourself, you will be attacked. And, well, she is always in attacking mode.
2. Yellow and Red Cards: A yellow card is held up by a referee to signal a caution for a minor infringement — you know, like if you haven’t done the dishes today or didn’t throw the trash out. But a red card is issued to a player when that player has committed a serious infraction or has been issued with two yellow cards within the same game. So if we see repeated instants of forgetfulness or acts of irresponsible behavior, you may probably be sleeping on the couch tonight.
3. Bending the ball: When the attacker strikes the ball off-center so that it travels in a curved path, ideally for shots at goal. The ball of life will always be bent in a woman’s favor, come what may — and especially when she uses tears (her sure shot).
4. Offside: A player is in an offside position if he is nearer to his opponent’s goal line than both the ball and the second-to-last opponent. So is a man always in an offside position if he is staring at the neighbor’s wife through the window every morning rather than his beautiful wife and the two kids.
5. Penalty shootouts: A penalty shootout is awarded when both the teams have equalized after the full time or have not scored any goal after availing so many chances. Off the field, scoring at the last minute is tantamount to surprising her with expensive gifts, planning a secret vacation, making her favorite breakfast.. you get it. These are chances to redeem yourself in case you forget her birthday, her mom’s birthday, or the day you met.
6. Ball Carrier: The player in possession of the ball. No prizes for guessing in whose court the ball lies most of the times.
7. FIFA: The acronym used for the Federation Internationale de Football Association, the world governing body for the game of association soccer, which is based in Switzerland. And then you have the WIFA, which is Wife-Supporters Internationale Friends Association — the people to whom the wife goes running when you had a quarrel. They come in groups now, you see!
8. Free Kicks: A kick awarded to an opposition player when a player has committed a foul. Free kicks can be either direct or indirect. Chances are that if you have committed a foul, the woman is going to take a direct reaction like instant tears, or an indirect ones like a lighter pocket for you. So keep away from felony!
9. Corner Kick: A free kick taken from the corner of the field by an attacker. The corner kick is awarded when the ball has passed over the goal line after last touching a defensive player. The shot is taken from the corner nearest to where the ball went out. The corner here is your parents or siblings to whom your girl relates her tale of woe — and chances are they will often end up in her favor! This is, ultimately, a dangerous, dangerous free kick.
10. Dribble: Keeping control of the ball while running. Women are unparalleled when it comes to dribbling, or keeping the conversation or argument running. When you try to change the subject, you will be alarmed; she still remembers the sentence you used in the last fight. So remember, a women never forgets and is always in control.
11. Dummy Run: A run by a player without the ball, to lure defenders away from the ball carrier. To lure you away from other interesting things that you can possibly do on a Sunday, women can perform a dummy rum like offering to make your favorite meal or ironing your clothes, only to be found out later that it was a lure to keep you away from your the bar and the bros and give her a ride to the supermarket.
12. Sweeper: A defensive player whose job is to roam behind the other defenders. A sweeper has no specific marking duties and is the last line of defense before the goalkeeper. Similarly, when you roam behind other ladies, you can’t hide it from the women sweeper in your life. No more defensive play, as your woman is your last line of defense.
So next time you expect your girl to get you an ice cream or coffee when you scream your lungs out, think twice and offer to get it for her while she watches the game. She is more similar to the game than you actually think.