The Art of ‘Trumping’

“He was a war hero because he was captured. I like people that weren’t captured.” – Future U.S. President, Emperor, and Dark Overlord Donald Trump

Was Donald Trump’s latest bold message unpopular? Without a doubt. Unapologetic? Definitely. But was it unprecedented? Not chance. Trump is not the first to make controversial comments during a presidential campaign. The art of “trumping” is as old as our great nation, passed down and perfected by our forefathers. From our most prominent presidents (Millard Fillmore and Benjamin Harrison) to our most obscure (Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy), men on the campaign trail have been known “to get their trump on.”

“Pizza f*cking sucks.” – George Washington

Revolutionary America loved pizza more than freedom, and colonists who read an early form of Twitter called “the newspaper” were appalled to learn that Washington didn’t share their enthusiasm for carbs and obesity. After chopping down a cherry tree as a youth, Washington swore to tell the truth, “the brutal f*cking truth,” as he called it. He also LOVED to curse. He called his wife the “c-word” only, and he coined the term “motherf*cker.” He was most proud of forcing Congress to refer to John Hancock as “Hand Cock.” He is the father of our nation.

“I like the fat Kardashian best.” – Abraham Lincoln

*Historians believe Lincoln was referring to Khole, not Rob Kardashian.

With this comment, Honest Abe was just being honest. He was always known to be “all about that bass,” and he routinely frowned upon “treble.” His hatred for slavery was only equaled by his love for plus-sized women. He fed his wife Mary Todd sticks of butter and made her order her meals with “extra gluten.” He invented the quadruple-stuffed Oreo, and he was allergic to John Wilkes Booth. I blame Lincoln for the war of 1812. He was three years old at the time.

“I hated the HBO series ‘The Wire.'” – Thomas Jefferson

Jefferson crafted the Declaration of Independence, which was possibly as well-written as season five of “The Wire,” but it was nowhere near the quality of seasons one through four. Jefferson sacrificed immensely complex antagonists like Avon and Stringer for “unalienable rights” and “equality.” There is not one section in the Declaration that exhibits McNulty’s heart, reliance on alcohol, or unyielding drive. Until Jefferson turns modern-day Baltimore into a living, breathing character, he should keep his comments to himself.

“Val Kilmer was and always will be the best Batman.” – Theodore Roosevelt

Roosevelt was famous for the Progressive Era, the “Square Deal,” and his terrible taste in Batmen. He wasn’t afraid to tell the American public that Clooney was better than Keaton or that Adam West would’ve “kicked Ben Affleck’s ass.” Roosevelt would often strike fear in the hearts of opponents by speaking in a growly “Batman” voice, and he named his favorite horse “Batmobile.” He is now on Mount Rushmore.

“When I’m President, I will imprison you until our alien creators arrive to feast upon your mortal souls.” – Rutherford B. Hayes

Rutherford B. Hayes was known as the “Michael B. Jordan” of his generation. He actually did not win the popular vote, possibly because he kept threatening to feed people to aliens. He did, however, become America’s 19th President, and he was routinely called a PILF (President I’d Like to F*ck) during his four-year term. Hayes only served one term as President, and he lived until aliens ate him.