I come home. I tell myself, “Take your heart, yank it off, and throw it on the floor. Step on it so hard until you cannot read the name of that boy.” I take a deep breath and tell myself, “Your feelings, they suck. Have no feelings. You got this.”
I should have known that if I had this, I wouldn’t have to give myself a pep talk. Developing feelings for a person is scary, annoying and exciting, especially when you know you shouldn’t like them.
I hate it when it slowly creeps up on you. For example, you and this person have always liked the same band, but all of a sudden you guys “like” the same band and you begin to think it’s a sign. You begin to wonder why your friend even likes this person. You know this person so much more.
It’s like asking God for the right person to show up but when the right person shows up, you’re not there to open the door. Instead, your friend opens the door and says hi to your right person.
Your friend is oblivious, she’s just happy that she’s in the same room as her crush. And you’re oblivious too at first, you’re not acting like yourself. But this person excites you. You make them laugh and they make you smile, but you have to remind yourself this hangout is for your friend.
Your friend and her crush begin to talk during the hangout. You are talking to another friend but your eyes keep on shifting back to your friend and her crush, not because you’re excited that they are finally talking but because you are a little bit scared. Are they actually going to date? They look cute together. Wow, she looks beautiful, this is going to be so great.
The next day, she tells you how close they’ve gotten. You don’t tell her that you talk to him too, maybe a little bit too much.
You are trying so hard to suppress your feelings; you are desperate for them to leave.
Yo go home and ask God to erase those feelings. When God doesn’t, you think it’s a sign. However, you’re smart enough to know it’s not.
You go to your phone and delete your text conversations. You think to yourself, “I’ve got this.” Five minutes later, he texts, and you guys talk for hours.
You are eating with your friend. She’s in awe of this boy. It is getting exhausting to pretend this much. Every time she mentions something you already know about him, you try so hard not to laugh or smile and say you already know.
She continues to talk about him; you’re thinking that maybe you’ll tell her. You don’t. Instead, you go home and write a song about him and keep hoping the feelings will go away. They don’t; the opposite occurs. Freaking Spotify starts recommending songs that remind you of him. So, you log off. As soon as you do, your friend calls and reminds you to invite him to her birthday party. You text him and talk about everything but the birthday party.
The party finally arrives. Everyone is there. He shows up late and when you see him you see your friend smiling, happy as hell. You think to yourself, let the acting begin once again. I’m talking Oscars here, and it works for a little bit.
You need to cool down. You go outside.
You hope no one follows you.You hope he doesn’t follow you.
You hope he does.
He follows you.
When you turn, you see your friend stare at you both through the window.