“Babe, what’s wrong?”
He asked while his hands cupped my face. He was looking at me directly as if he was searching for answers.
I let out a sob then smiled and shook my head.
How could I tell him?
How could I tell him that I have all these emotional traumas that I cannot seem to overcome? How can I tell him that I’m too scared that he’ll leave, and I’ll have my heart broken again? How can I tell him that I’m not sure I can handle another heartbreak or go through the same things I had to go through before. How can I admit how scared I am?
How can I tell him everything without putting pressure on him?
Love, I want you to be able to leave when you want to. I want you to stay because you love me and not because you’re afraid of hurting me. If you’re going to choose me, I want you to do it willingly.
Please stay. Please don’t leave. I want to tell you every day.
I wish I can be the same person I was years ago. The one who was so excited about love. The one who believed that you can be with someone forever. But having to go through certain things and having your heart broken by the person who you thought loved you leave some marks. You will never get over a heartbreak and come out as the exact same person. Something about the whole experience changes you.
All these doubts, fears, issues, everything. I wish I didn’t have them.
“Babe, tell me. What’s wrong?” He asked again.
I wish I could. I really do. I wish I could love you whole without any reservations.
“Nothing.” I smiled.
These are the things that I will never tell you.