You read up articles online on describing being unlovable, searching for symptoms that could identify you as one of those unlovable ones. You change yourself day in and day out in terms of looks and characteristic hoping that that will make you more lovable and over time, you stop trying altogether and succumb yourself to fate that you’ll end up alone one day at 27 having microwavable lasagnas alone in your small apartment that you share with yourself.
I’ve spent a good almost 2 years loving someone so much that it consumes me. It was beautiful yet painful because both of us could see the end yet we kept pushing it further down the road until one day it just stopped us in our tracks and that’s when we knew we had to let the relationship go. From then on I spent the next 3 years of my life feeling unlovable.
It’s a scary concept to grasp. You have no one to hold when you’re on the floor shaking with ragged breaths because the night got harder to breathe or when you just got a job that you’ve been praying for & you have no one to share that happiness with. It’s in the little joys and little hardships in life that you find for someone who could ride the waves of feelings and emotions with you. And you take a good look around you and find that that person isn’t there.
So you convince yourself that love is an illusion into tricking people that without love, they can’t survive. You brush off the idea of love whenever your best friend or your mum brings it up letting them know how you want to spend this year growing and nurturing yourself instead of going on picnic dates or staying up late at 3 in the morning on the phone sharing unspoken secrets buried deep within the night that won’t be brought up when the sun comes up.
So this is for those who are up awake at 1.51 in the morning listening to Kodaline or those sad & bitter playlists you made surrendering yourself to those who belong in the “Unlovable Club”, for the ones who rolls their eyes at the couples on the street being contented with one another’s presence not taking notice of the rest of the world surrounding them. For the ones who have completely given up on love yet silently envision the one day someone could actually love them & not want to give up on them.
Here’s to thinking that we are unlovable. Because it doesn’t make it any better when anyone tries to convince you otherwise. When they tell you it will get better or when they jokingly yet seriously try to set you up with someone.
Sometimes you just have to allow yourself to feel unlovable. To wallow in the sadness & feel bitter. To not the see the light at the end of the tunnel or to completely close yourself off to any new opportunities. Because sometimes there isn’t a point in brushing the idea of being unlovable off. It sinks you deep into melancholia & you just need reassurance that you aren’t alone.
This piece right here is for you the unlovable ones up late at night reading this.
We’ll be okay one day.