I always had this recurring day dream where, as if someone pressed the fast forward button, everyone is moving in a flash, and I can barely move at tenth the speed. I’m 25 now and it’s just that
I’m stuck paralyzed, while the world moves faster and faster, leaving me dwelling longingly in those day-to-day momentary dreams.
I remain desperately clutching to my lifetime membership as a spectator of all the men and women in the arena. I still play the same playlists that I made for a past lover that never was and he recently got married. My friends are taking risks and leaps of faith in the corporate ladder and I scroll at job opportunities but never apply. I’ve stopped meeting new people because if I’m this sick of my bullshit, then I’m sure my eyes will give it away and everyone will see all of it. I can’t be seen like this. I’m not lonely thanks to technology and being blessed with good friends but I am sure as hell complacent. And I know for a fact that this is not a good neighbourhood for someone in her twenties, too fearful to upset people and leave the womb.
Maybe, I am secretly addicted to betraying myself and giving pieces of myself away because it’s easier than living wholeheartedly. It’s much like how my favourite part of the vacation is the commute to the airport and waiting for the plane. I just want to be stuck in the process of passively embarking on the journey, the euphoria of grand adventure and anonymously drifting in the airport. But to fully commit to the journey comes teaming with too much risk of emotions. As I continue to steadily watch people live, I passively become the protagonist who destroys her life.
So here I am, trying to surprise myself and take those tiny micro-steps of exercising my heart to build some courage. It starts with a dash of making experiences, creating things (anything!), an ounce of self love and some faith that it will take time. These are the starting ingredients for my concoction in this leap of faith that I will find it (whatever it is). I have yet to refine my recipe but I am starting right here.