I Hate You, I Love You, Don’t Leave Me

“I love you, don’t leave me.”

When I feel anxious and alone, I normally don’t say I love you. I just go away and come back when I feel okay.

“I hate you, don’t leave me.”

These are the usual words that I utter. But today, I am scared and I am massively heart broken. It’s not as if I’m unfamiliar with being pushed away. Every special person in my life has been pushing me away, and maybe it is a bad thing that I have also been isolating myself from others when people try to cast me out. But this time, I am scared of being pushed away.

It hurts me a lot as I have been feeling alone more than usual during the past few weeks. Maybe it is my fault that I always find myself staying out of reach when I feel so stressed out. I don’t even remember the last time I spoke with anyone close to me. Maybe…more than a month ago? I just want to stay away from everything and everyone sometimes, and there were so many things I wish I could have done.

I wish the distance wasn’t so great. I wish we just lived in the same town. I wish we were just neighbors. I wish we were living together. I wish I was there for her when she was going through something…and I wish she was with me when I was busy being lonely for not being around her.

Maybe it’s a bad idea that I am writing this down now, but I don’t have anyone to share it with. I am heart broken and although I always know how to make myself feel better, I can’t right now. I am overwhelmed, and all I want to do is go home and sulk all day long. Unfortunately, I’ve got work and I got screaming kids to deal with.

My darling, if you’re reading this…

“I love you, don’t leave me.”