1. We all become viciously, belligerently drunk at every chance we get. Luckily, though, if we stay alive and breathing for four and a half more years, we, too, can fall asleep with sparkling Prosecco in a wine flute before Saturday Night Live even starts.
2. Not only do we apparently drink and party until six a.m. We actually start this process, known as a “rager”, at 2PM in the afternoon. Because we obviously don’t have any jobs or actual responsibilities.
3. All thirty-four of my drunk friends and I routinely fall asleep in the same confined space. We wake up together, mop up each other’s vomit with our club dresses, and fight the good fight until we can brush it off and start drinking again the next day.
4. Our barbaric stomachs can’t handle the likes of kale, organic apples, yogurt-based dressings, quinoa, or really anything that’s healthy at all. We actually derive all of our nutrition by sucking the life-force out of pizza joints that we pass by on our way to and from the bars.
5. We need to sneak alcohol into movie theaters and make-out. Because we can’t drink alcohol before or after the movie by going to one of our many bars that we frequent, and we want to spend $15 to not watch a movie. (Pro-tip: Pay the extra $3 to go to a 3D movie. That way you can watch the movie with your side-eye while still sucking face with your s/o)
6. We reject anything animated. Being a young 20-something is the best way to see Finding Dory never.
7. We can’t dance. Well, I mean, we think we can. But actually, it’s just us grinding and twerking against any object that gets too close to us at the club. Also, we don’t ever dance alone, sing into hairbrushes, groove in the shower, or anything else that other normal people do.
8. We drive at brutally fast rates at all times. We don’t care if cops see us. Are you kidding me? What are consequences? We don’t have jobs or responsibilities (remember?) so if we crash this car or get a ticket, our parents will just clean up the mess for us!
9. Our apartments are filled with the sacred carcasses of take-out Chinese and Cinnamon Toast Crunch boxes. We don’t believe in cleanliness. Who needs to clean when you’re just going to be too drunk to notice later on?
10. We don’t hike. Or do active things. Ever.
11. This should be obvious by now, but we don’t cook actual food. Or clean up after ourselves in the rare occurrences that we use actual plates or cutlery.
12. We don’t exercise or do anything active.
13. I feel like I’m repeating myself at this point. Don’t you understand? We don’t actually do anything, because YOLO, that’s why!
14. Along with basically doing nothing but raging all of the time, we also never get more than three hours of sleep (which is allocated to take place during the brightest hours of the afternoon. Like vampires). And we’re totally okay with that. What? You need 8-10 hours of sleep? You must be super old then. Have you started going through The Change yet?
15. We don’t ever organize anything. We don’t know what it means to plan something. Except driving to the liquor store going 57mph to get our cheap plastic bottle of vodka to drink directly out of.
16. Shouldn’t this shit be obvious to you by now? God. People aren’t capable of growing up until they turn 27.