I Don’t Wanna Be Pretty Anymore

person spreading glittered nail polish on pink nails
Element5 Digital / Unsplash

I wanted to be the pretty girl back in college.

I would put so much effort on my physical appearance. Buy all these expensive make up my poor allowance can’t afford. I would apply layers of concealer, thick eyeliner, and lipstick on my face just to look beautiful. I was insecure, with my face, body — every single detail about me. I don’t love it. I hate how my face would always have acne, how I have dark circles. Oh and don’t get me started with my body, I was super thin, and not the fit-sexy thin, weak thin. I’m tall so you’d notice it more. My hair, it was dry and frizzy. I wanted clear skin & wanted to gain weight. I wanted to be beautiful. But I would look at myself, and I know I just can’t. So I would study more, harder, if I can’t be pretty, then I have to be smart. But all I got was empty awards and recognition. Back then, I thought it matters. It doesn’t.

Over time I learn, I can be a beautiful human being. I can love my flaws and accept my shortcomings. I can embrace my body and not shame it. I can take care of my skin and be confident enough to not conceal it with make-up. I can let my dry, frizzy, hair out in the open. I can see all these things & still be proud. Instead of being ashamed & trying so hard to look like someone I’m not.

And as I turn 24, all the more it gets stronger, the realization, that being pretty & school-smart are just outward variables. I may have been smart, but I had no substance. I may look at myself and do so many things to look pretty but still had no purpose.

Now, I don’t wanna be pretty anymore. I wanna be someone with a purpose, a stand, someone who believes in something and fights for it. I wanna be someone who cares, someone who loves, someone who encourages and lifts people up. I wanna have substance, a deeper understanding of this world and the human beings in it. I wanna have a beautiful life, not just a pretty face. TC mark

Dian Tinio

Dian is the author of Catastrophes, a prose and poetry collection exploring living and loving, breaking and mending, falling and rising, losing and surviving. Get in touch with her on Instagram and Twitter.

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Dian is the author of Catastrophes, a prose and poetry collection exploring living and loving, breaking and mending, falling and rising, losing and surviving. Get in touch with her on Instagram and Twitter. Follow Dian on Instagram or read more articles from Dian on Thought Catalog.