I’ve always wanted to be an actress.
I’m sure you have a dream too. For me, it was lights, camera, and action. I thought I’d make it. In a movie scene, campaigning for different brands, starring in numerous TV shows, perhaps. I’ve tried, I’ve tried hard until reality took its toll on me and I came to a point knowing show business isn’t the cards for me.
But you know, determination and stubborn heart leads us to persistence. I drew myself in dreams I thought was mine, I wanted to be a director, I mean if I can’t be a star, might as well be the one behind it, right?
As reality sets in, everything seems trivial. And dreams just seem a mere lie.
And life, that’s what’s real. Life is real and it’s happening. The reality is not as glamorous as the 7-year-old me would imagine. Life wasn’t dreams coming through or rags-to-riches fairy tales like the lies they made us all believe. For some, it might be. But for the other some, for us some, the reality is a 9-6 job, health card, insurances, taxes, and a job I have to keep in order to pay the bills. Drag myself to work every single morning to pay rent, to buy food, to provide for my family.
Every day, I make myself believe this is the day, maybe today I could save a little, enough for my responsibilities and myself – maybe save for a trip or a business I’ve always longed for. But nothing’s happening.
And the problem is not anyone else, the problem is me.
But of course, I don’t like to blame myself for the unfortunate events in my life. I like to blame circumstances. I like to blame the fact that I was not born in a family where I can be whoever I want to be. I like to blame the fact that I can’t just quit my job to do whatever the hell I want because I have to try my best not to starve.
And I try my hardest not to blame that as well because really, life is just there, it’s just happening. Can’t stop it, but can’t also let it sway me into its current. I need to set a strong foothold and try my hardest to be still. To not let the miserable circumstances affect me, because even if I am not in control of everything.
I am at least in control of myself and how I see my life. Where I am and what I’m doing with life.
Now as I sit here in my usual spot, typing my impulsive heart out, I look around, seeing the same people who struggle with the same thing, who are dying to leave but still stay. It’s tragic, seeing them here. For some, it has been 10 years utmost, with fake smiles they try to keep up with life.
And all I can think about is, I don’t want to be like them.
I hope I won’t be like them…