The Kind Of Love That You Hope For

jullymalynovska
jullymalynovska

I hope for love to take me out to dinner on a Friday night, or drive me home on a Saturday morning, or just stay up with me until 4 am in a comfortable, cheap cafe. I hope for love to bear long hours of chitchats about how each of our days went, how frustrated I am with what I do, how I hate mornings or how he admires art, how he wants to finish all his work before the day ends. I hope for love to hold my hand when we walk towards the parking lot. I hope for love to embrace me when it gets cold. I hope for love to smile at me when I feel nervous.

But most of all, I hope for love to be soft. I hope for love to hold me when anxiety creeps in and fills me with doubts and speculations I genuinely don’t want to deal with. I hope for love to understand me when it’s outmost difficult to decipher what I’m saying. I hope for love to be patient when I’m being stubborn and when it’s absolutely impossible to elaborate things to me.

I hope for love to always respect me as a person. My characteristics, my habits, my scars, my imperfections, my dreams. I hope for love to not change me or dictate how I should act, feel, or be. I hope for love to just wholeheartedly accept me and my bewildering parts. I hope for love to discover the audacity to adore my blemishes and defects. I hope for love to just allow me the room to be who I am, in my most authentic state.

I hope for love to be straight-forward and honest with me, no bullshit. I hope for love to tell me whatever is going on in his head, the thoughts, the puzzles, the whims. I hope for love to be kind enough to talk to me when something is off, when there is a problem on the rise. I hope for love to be willing to fix things through communication, to tell me what’s wrong and how I can do things better. I hope for love to sit down with me and let all its grievances and resentments out and not let it build up inside. I hope for love to not sleep and let the night pass when we’re not in good terms.

I hope for love to be gentle when I’m having a terrible day. I hope for love to cuddle beside me when life is rough and I have no clue as to what I’m supposed to do next. I hope for love to just make it known that he is there and he is willing to stand by me as I overcome my struggles. I hope for love to stay with me through the good days and most importantly through the horrible ones. I hope for love to stay when it’s no longer convenient or beneficial. I hope for love to not grow weary and tired of dealing with me, with my fears, worries and unimaginable needs.

I hope for love to not give up.

I hope love keeps trying as much as I am.

I hope for love to find all the reasons why he wants to stay and I hope he finds it.

I hope for love to still embrace me when I’m hardest to love me, when I’m the perfect noun for disastrous, when I’m complicated and flawed, when I can’t even look at myself. I hope for love to believe in me especially during those instances I don’t even have the strength to believe in myself, in my art, in my passion. I hope for love to encourage me and motivate me to keep running and keep pursuing the things I said I wanted.

I hope for love to look at me during our worst day and still have the boldness to tell me I’m beautiful and that I’m worth it. That love did not make any mistake when he chose me, that love didn’t regret anything. I hope for love to at least remember why he loved me in the first place, to at least be reminded of all the incredible days and the good times.

Ultimately, I hope for love to know that I don’t hope for this to be a ‘forever’ kind of thing. I just hope for now. For love to just focus and be present on now and make the most of it, to wake up looking forward for today and not for tomorrow, or the weekend or next month. I hope for love to take care of this, hold it with concern and take responsibility of the feelings, time and efforts invested. I hope for love to hold on to this, as long as he can, as tight as he can.

Because for what it’s worth, I will be all of this for love. TC mark

Dian Tinio

Dian is the author of Catastrophes, a prose and poetry collection exploring living and loving, breaking and mending, falling and rising, losing and surviving. Get in touch with her on Instagram and Twitter.

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