This, right here, is evidently the most heart wrenching thing that has ever happened to me in all my years of existence.
This, the day I come into terms that I have fallen out of love with you but understand that I did not fall out just today, I’ve been out of love for a while now. I can’t comprehend the possibility of me perpetually finding something unlovable within you, because to me, you are perfect. But I did it anyway.
And I hate myself for it.
You are nothing but fragments of goodness and beauty and genuineness combined altogether forming a man of the utmost perfection. There’s nothing wrong with you, nothing dark, nothing ugly, nothing like me. And that’s why I fell in love with you. You are full of hope, of faithfulness, of happiness, of love, of something I don’t possess and yet you did not think twice about sharing your amazing portions with me. For a split second of every day I’m with you, I swear, you made me exactly like you and I loved it.
I loved what you made of me.
Moreover, as much as it scares me to admit what I feel towards you now, it terrifies me even more that I’m very certain about it.
I’m out of it. How I wish I’m wasn’t, how I wish every time I convince myself that I’m still in love with you will somehow convince my heart to love you again..
But it won’t. It won’t listen to me.
My heart told me that it’s waiting for a “right moment” to love you again, to fall for you again, to focus on you again, to just find joy in you again.
However, it’s not moving. I can hear it break. I can hear it ache. I can hear it.
And how I wish I could only hear it, but I don’t. I can also feel it.
I’m confident it’s not in my chest anymore. Assuredly, it fell out of my chest somewhere along the way because I felt it. I felt it hard. I lost it and I don’t even know where to find it.
I want to recover it, so badly. I yearn to find it and hand it back to you. I know for a fact that it belongs to you perfectly, it fits lavishly in your gentle hands.
I will search for it, I will retrieve it and when I do, I will know exactly what to do with it.
Do you remember that time it told me it was waiting for that right moment to love you again? It wasn’t yesterday and it will definitely not be tomorrow.
It will be today. Today.
I beg you. Please, wait for me. I’ll find it.