That’s a quote from Tropic of Cancer I’ve always liked, but I thought only applied to messy, crazy, unstable people, not me obviously, since I’m a perfectly centered, smart, controlled person. That kind of behavior doesn’t apply to me… I was wrong; this is how I figured it out.
1. Pick the right guy
This guy must be emotionally unavailable in a “Just got his heart broken and he’s single but claims he’s not ready/looking for a relationship” kind of way. He must also be a typical nice guy and maybe he is, but to you, he will be like a very nasty drug that will get you so weak, the self-destruction will be incredibly easy.
2. Let him friendzone you
So this nice guy will be very nice to you, will be easy to talk to, like some books you like, share his favorite songs and you’ll really have fun with him. Then one day you’ll have to take a chance, you have to tell him you like him and ask him if he’d like to go out to see if things work out. He will reply “I like you as a friend, you’re a really cool girl but I’m not ready”. Here’s the tricky part, a normal person would back off and go away, but not you, you have to willingly agree to the friendzone, thinking you can totally do it as you’ve done this before and you say to yourself you don’t really like him that much to develop serious feelings (lie number one).
3. Develop deeper feelings for him
So this is what’s going to happen, you and the nice guy are going to start talking more and more, go out for drinks (with a bunch of other friends obviously), tell each other almost everything, there’s going to be a point when he is the one looking for you, one night he’s going to start to send you messages and you are going to talk for hours, like a new tradition, you’ll make plans for the next months, you will have private jokes and you’ll start to know each other. You will even go out (brunch, movies, to get his car fixed, regular stuff) and there’s when you’ll develop serious feelings for him, feelings that you will totally deny (lie number two).
You will start to depend on these messages, you are getting hooked and you don’t even notice. So far it doesn’t look like you are self destructing yourself, looks like the complete opposite, you feel happy and hopeful, but here comes the plot twist, because the minute you feel like that “friendship” is going to last forever the nice guy is going to start pulling away, he’ll stop looking for you as much as he did and your conversation (that used to be fun and last hours) begin to get filled with monosyllabic words.
You start to lose your mind, “What have I done?, what’s wrong?, what happened?, what changed?” That’s all you can think. You start getting really paranoid and attempt to get away for the first time, but just like an addict, you need your fix, your nice guy fix. You will start looking for him again and as he always replies, you’ll think things mustn’t be that bad, but the feeling that something’s off begin to eat you up; it’s the self destruction really taking place, finding its way to the surface.
4. Have sex with him
One night, after a few (maybe more than a few) beers you’ll go out, and things will get strange (nice strange). Nice guy and you will dance close, hold hands, and because you feel chilly he will hug you. Then you’ll take a cab to go meet some other friends, but he’ll kiss you and you’ll end up in his place, and you’ll have the sexiest sex you’ve had in a long time, then you’ll go home thinking that meant nothing (lie number three). But after the sex night, the nice guy is officially starting to change, he’ll cancel plans, he’ll completely stop looking for you and you’ll go batshit crazy.
Of course you told him that sex didn’t change your friendship and that you are totally ok with being fuck buddies, because you are that cool (lie number four). But deep down you’ll start feeling like shit. Really really sad and miserable, but you won’t say a thing, everything’s cool in front of him (lie number five), you don’t understand why he’s leaving you, why he isn’t interest in you anymore? Why he had sex with you if you were good friends? This will last about a month, a month in an emotional rollercoaster that will drain you. Then you’ll try to be that cool girl and go out again, have sex again, and you’ll tell yourself you can deal with it, you are ok, that’s just casual sex (lie number six).
A few days after you tell him you are ok with just having casual sex, nice guy is going to start going after a new girl, right in front of you. This will tear you apart, like a flood; you’ll feel like drowning in misery, the betrayal and the sadness, an unbearable sadness that makes you cry like you haven’t done in years. Because in that moment, you realize everything is over, everything that never happened (lie number seven). You’ll get drunk, incredibly drunk and you’ll become the mess you thought you’ll never be capable of being. And you’ll blame yourself, because in the end everything you did was lie to yourself.
This is it, you are officially destroyed, and you feel empty and so sad you don’t even want to get up. You are not yourself; you are just scraps and pieces.
Sometimes you don’t even realize that you just push your self destruct button, you just carry on doing things under the impression that everything’s so cool and fine, because you feel lonely and you deny your feelings and it doesn’t matter that everyone is telling you to stop hurting yourself, the self destruction path doesn’t end until you’re done.