5 Reasons To Never Take Ambien
By Devon Oyler
1. You will write poetry.
It will be terrible poetry. You will think it is monumental, groundbreaking, heart-wrenching poetry. But I repeat: It will be terrible poetry. You will realize this the next morning, but you will continue to write this awful Ambien Poetry each time you pop the pill. You will likely even share the Ambien Poetry with friends, acquaintances, strangers, animals, and inanimate objects. They will all pretend to enjoy it, but they will never take you seriously again. Even your dog thinks you are a failure and a druggie.
2. You will probably injure yourself.
In a futile attempt to make it from the couch (where you have been sitting staring blankly at Rob Delaney’s standup special on Netflix for over an hour) to your bed, you will sway and stumble ever so drunkenly, eventually landing you flush with the tile floor, where you will proceed to fall asleep.
3. You will find your Ambien stupor to be the perfect time in which to conduct important conversations with people you probably shouldn’t even speak to in full lucidity.
The things you say will go down in the Guinness Book of World Records for Literal Most Embarrassing Things Ever Said, and you will not remember it the next day, except in very small bits and pieces.
4. You will abuse social networking sites.
Every social networking site. And you will regret it deeply every day for the rest of your life.
5. In fact, you will regret everything you do.
In this dream-like state, you will do absolutely everything except what you are supposed to do upon taking Ambien, which is to promptly go to sleep.
Go to sleep.