Today Someone Asked Me How You Were And I Didn’t Know What To Say

Catching up with people is strange. They only know you from the last moment they saw you, but social media makes it so the time in between doesn’t feel so long.

There’s still pictures of us on my Instagram.

A decade of laughter and love and friendship that can not be deleted.

So they ask me when they see me.

And I wonder:

How are you doing? What are you up to? When is the last time you peed your pants from laughing? What do you hope for now that we are older? Are you in love? What does that mean to you? Is your favorite color still pink? Do you still eat french toast on Sundays? Are you happy? Are you healthy? What are you doing for work? What’s your favorite beer? Do you have a new hobby? Are you still writing? Did you see that show? Have you tried calamari? 

What’s really up? Because I flat out do not know.

I don’t know what my best friend is doing anymore. 

Then I so badly want to pick up the phone to call, but I don’t know what I’d say because the last time we talked deeply about anything we were screaming at each other in the middle of a bar and you told me I am just like my mother and then you left for your flight the next morning without saying goodbye. And the time I saw you last it felt like we were strangers forcing conversation and I was so happy he was there to break up the monotony of that. And I told you I was sad, but you still don’t know the reason. The real reason. And I want to scream to you that I am not my mother. And it hurts that I don’t see you or hear from you anymore. And it hurts worse when the love of your life is your best friend and they are no longer in your life.

But I don’t call.

I sit in that moment where the silence lies and I wish so badly I knew what to tell them, but I don’t. So I tell them:

she’s fine.