11 Signs You Are The Facebook Friend That Everyone Wants To Delete

Social media was a really good idea.

There are a lot of people I’m friends with online that I probably would have lost contact with over the years if it wasn’t for Facebook. I can share photos and videos with my family members without having to wait until Christmas. I can watch my friend’s son grow, even though we don’t live in the same state.

Facebook has also provided a platform for a lot of really cool outreach for causes that weren’t so easily publicized before the use of cell phone videos and hashtags. All of this is a step in the right direction for awareness.

But as the law of Facebook goes, “For every good post, there is an equal and opposite bad post.”

As much as we love Facebook, we all complain about how much we hate it. Yet none of us have the strength to actually give it up for longer than Lent. Also, speaking of Lent, I’m not religious, but I mean…Jesus fasted for 40 days and you give up posting pictures of your food? Seems like an uneven trade.

We all try to be open and accepting of everyone on our friend list, but… if the majority of your posts sound like this, then you are probably the friend everyone wants to delete:

1. “Man, this really sucks. I can’t believe this happened.”

Inevitably, probably within minutes, someone will ask you “WHAT sucks, Becky?” prompting you to say something like, “I don’t want to talk about it on here. Just text me.” YES. TEXTING. The single greatest invention for when you need to get something off your chest, but “don’t want to talk about it.” Did you forget this was a public forum, Becs? Handle that drama in a text message.

2. “This weird rash appeared on my son’s body. Help! Anyone know what it is?”

NO I do not know what that is. I am not a doctor. And NO, seeing a picture will not help me identify it, that’s gross. No offence, but I DO NOT give a shit about your kids’ rashes. If you’re worried about something, call your mom. Or better yet, a doctor.

3. “WARNING: Graphic Photo Ahead.”

For the love of all that is holy in the world, STOP SHARING DEAD THINGS. I did not join a social media site to look at lifeless babies and dogs with their heads bashed in. Yes, I support causes to end animal cruelty. You know why? Because I don’t want to SEE animal cruelty. If you share something like this, then you are singlehandedly responsible for ruining my day and this is the quickest way for you to be shunned from my life.

4. “CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS [fake news story that is totally fake that I didn’t take the time to fact check because I believe everything I read on the internet?]”

This one is BY FAR the worst, because it is perpetuating idiocy and laziness. It takes 5 seconds to type something into Snopes. (Guys, remember Snopes? It’s still out there, doin’ it’s thing, so use it). The only thing worse than the people who repost fake news stories, are the people who WRITE fake news stories. The Onion was doing just fine, we didn’t need any less-funny copy-cats. There’s already a market for fake stories – it’s called Fiction books.

5. “Taking a break from social media. I need to focus on more fulfilling aspects of my life, like meaningful connections with people in real life. If you want to contact me, please message me for my phone number. Bye forever.”

Okay, see you in a week.

6. “Caitlyn Jenner? No, the military! Cecil the lion? No, #blacklivesmatter!”

Stop comparing things. Every time tragedy strikes, there’s some dick on Facebook who wants to remind us of all the tragedies that came before this one. I do possess the ability in my heart to care about two things at once. Just because there was a shooting this week, it doesn’t mean I forgot that the Holocaust happened. Let every issue stand on it’s own, otherwise we are just watering down everything and soon no one will care about anything.

7. “I can’t believe I’m doing this, but I can’t afford to finish college. Please donate to my crowd funding site.”

I can’t believe you’re doing this either, bro. I couldn’t afford to finish college, but I did and that’s why I am up to my eyeballs in student loan debt. And so is basically everyone else that I know, so uhhh, no, I’m not going to help pay for your degree, as I am currently still paying for mine. Want a better education system? Vote for someone who also does. Or move to Denmark.

8. “Since my hubby’s out of town….Waiting for my hubby to come home….My hubby is the best, look what he surprised me with….”

Ok, just anything about your hubby. Just…stop using that word.

9. “#GYMSELFIE”

This one ALWAYS elicits the eye roll. You know what would be cooler than proving you’re at the gym every single day? Not posting one single photo for like, a year, and then showing up on Facebook one day like, “Whadddup bitches, I lost 300 pounds!” That would deserve all the praise! To girls who already wear a size 2 and want to pose in front of the weights because you matched your bra to your pants: I’m not impressed.

10. “I just started a brand new business venture and…”

Let me stop you right there. No, I don’t want to join your “this is definitely not a pyramid scheme” pyramid scheme. I don’t want to sell anything – no makeup, no skin care, no shakes, no sex toys. Nothing. Please don’t message me pretending that you want to hear all about my life after high school and then just casually bringing up that you’re recruiting new “consultants,” because it’s mean and I’m not going to fall for it.

11. “Bae and I broke up, I am heartbroken. Bae and I are back together, I am psyched! Bae and I broke up again, my life is over. Bae and I are getting married! Bae and I are divorcing. Bae and I are pregnant!”

You and bae are driving me up the wall. How about you don’t tell anyone anything until it’s final. You can talk about your break up when you’re driving away in a U-Haul. Until then, there’s al-ways hope. And even better than hope, silence.