Patriot fans have had to deal with a lot of accusations against their team over the years whether it be spying, murder, Uggs and now deflated balls. Instead of being excited about how close we are to seeing our team get that long awaited fourth Super Bowl win it’s fear and anxiousness that we feel. What new controversy could come out in the next week that would taint another one of our championships?
1. LeGarrette Blount doesn’t actually like weed, but he feels peer pressure to do it because of his name.
2. Revis Island is a real place where Darrelle Revis has kept the bodies of all of his victims from over the years. Chad Ochocinco and Stevie Johnson are believed to be among the discovered.
3. Tom Brady promotes Uggs because he actually loves them. Even worse he is paid in Uggs rather than actual money.
4. Bill Belichick’s pregame routine is to wildly dance to Happy in his office.
5. The deflated balls weren’t the only rule that the Patriots broke in the AFC Championship Game. They also replaced the whole Colts team with crash dummies.
6. Aaron Hernandez is innocent. He took the fall for his college teammate and quarterback Tim Tebow.
7. Gisele is only a model and not a super model.
8. The whole “Gronk” persona is fake. Multiple IQ tests have determined that Rob is a genius. His original dream job was rocket scientist until he grew 2 feet and gained 100 pounds of muscle. Even worse is the news that Rob only dates women with great personalities.
9. Chandler Jones and Jon Jones aren’t brothers. They are actually the same person. No one has noticed because it’s kind of like when Superman puts on glasses he turns into Clark Kent.
10. The Patriots lost first Super Bowl against the Giants on purpose because Mercury Morris and the 1972 Miami Dolphins were holding their families hostage.
11. Brandon Browner takes bribes from the referees in order to let them get some more airtime. There is no other possible explanation for how a professional football player can have sos many penalties.
12. Vince Wilfork is a cannibal.
13. When Julian Edelman became good the Patriots called on the Monstars to steal Danny Amendola’s skills because of the rule that there can only be one good white receiver per team.
14. The SpyGate videos were destroyed because they showed Belichick smiling and wearing nice clothes.
15. President Bush’s best move during his presidency was that he ordered the Rams to throw the 2002 Super Bowl so that Americans would feel proud that a team with the name Patriots won a World Championship.
16. Jimmy Garoppolo had plastic surgery a few years ago because he realized until the Mannings retire there is only room for so many good ugly quarterbacks in the NFL.
17. Belichick ordered the hit on Drew Bledsoe.
18. Jesus is alive and well. He goes by the alias of Tom Brady. How else can you explain the Tuck Rule?
Don’t bother asking Belichick about any of this because based on recent events he probably doesn’t have an explanation.