Here we are at the end. What a long road scattered full of random dead bodies it has been. Everyone seems sure that this ends with Jax dying, but I’m not so sure. It’s starting now, I have a few meals already prepared because who knows how long this thing could last.
10:00: We get a previously on that goes all the way back to season one that focuses on Jax’s dad’s journal. This could go on for ten minutes and I wouldn’t be surprised.
10:03: Musical montage to open things up, who would have guessed it? Seriously though has any show ever overused something as much as SOA has overused the musical montage. To the dismay of all straight women and gay men Jax gets out of bed and we don’t get one final shot of his ass. For a show about a biker gang there is a lot of jewelry and diaries.
10:05: This definitely seems like the ballad of a dead soulja. Is it really necessary to burn all that stuff. A shredder or trash can would seem to suffice.
10:07: OPIE SIGHTING?!?! Kurt Sutter is just teasing us at this point. And now Tara too? Thanks for reminding us about the best characters the show ever had.
10:08: Yeah he’s dying.
10:13: Big butt alert! Fat Ass in My Face is actually a great name for a porno. Maybe that will be Sutter’s next project.
10:14: Awe sweet Lila gets to say goodbye to Jax, the stripper/whore/porn director with the heart of gold.
10:15: Can anybody keep straight these gang story lines this season? You seriously need a cheat sheet to even try to understand. Anybody who can tell me how many different black gangs we’re dealing with gets a medal.
10:16: Blacks are in. Just in time for Juice….oh wait. Not sure why it took this long to get blacks in, but Happy and whatever race he is has just been in the crew chillin for years.
10:17: We just got our last Chibbs’ mumble that no one can understand. How much information have we lost out on over the years thanks to his accent?
10:18: Wendy and Nero time! They are the Ross and Rachel of SOA. If they don’t live happily ever after then this show has failed. How far has Nero’s bad assness fallen? He has gone from an OG running a brothel to on snack patrol.
10:20: Tyler (from one of the seventeen black gangs) says that the Sons live 70 miles away. That is a god damn long trip especially considering the Sons seem to make the trip five times a day. Hopefully gas is cheap in Charming.
10:21: Here we go our last high speed chase accompanied by some terrible music and bad green screen.
10:29: Nero and Chuckie with a nice heart to heart, two of the five great loves of Gemma’s life.
10:30: What roof is Jax on and how did he get access? He has always had a love of roofs. Shit is getting emotional up on that damn roof.
10:33: Damn Lila is getting more screen time tonight than the last two seasons combined. A little off topic but Opie dying had to be the greatest thing ever to happen to her right? She got a sweet job, she unloaded his kids and the club protects her because she is his widow. At least someone got something out of Opie dying.
10:34: Chibbs is about to be President isn’t he? Good thing the show is ending because that would be both a less interesting show and a much harder show to understand dialogue.
10:35: And now the Sons are gunning down Irishman. What is happening? This season they have gone to war with the Irish, Chinese, and Blacks. Who is left to kill?
10:37: CCH POUNDER ALERT! Jax wants a meeting with the DA, I think someone’s got a plan. AHHHHHHH they are going to call Unser, glad someone misses him. I think CCH just touched too close to home with Lady Officer. She is definitely going to stop banging Chibbs.
10:39: More Irish stuff to not understand. One of the Irish utters, ”It’s a complicated story.” That sums up the entire season. Head shots for everyone.
10:42: Yeah Jax is a dead man walking
10:48: Oh snap Nero and Jax…this should be tense. What the hell is Chuckie working on? He will still be working at that garage well after everyone is gone. Damn Wendy bout to be rich bitch.
10:50: I don’t get biker family logic. I’m pretty sure no one would’ve been mad if Jax didn’t kill his mom. “I’m not a good man, a criminal, a killer.” Obvious Statements for 500 Alex.
10:53: Oh man here comes Abel, the worst actor on TV. The mute baby is schooling Abel on acting right now. Best friends with the guy that was banging your mom who is also the person that killed your wife? Interesting dynamic to say the least. I honestly can’t be emotionally invested in this scene cause of how bad this kid is. Damn even Wendy gets an I love you. And now he is going to ride his dad’s bike. It’s now too obvious that he would die that I think he lives. Even Chuckie gets his own goodbye. Will the rest of this episode just be Jax saying goodbye to every citizen of Charming?
11:02: Cop and biker, the ultimate love story. Chibbs is quite the spurned lover. He should just be happy he got some because I love Chibbs but she was out of his league.
11:04: So many names to try and remember. The names on Game of Thrones are easier to keep track of than this show and that’s saying something.
11:05: The law vs. crook showdown. Must be confession time for Jax. And he gives it up, what a narc.
11:09: Still confused why Jax has to die? Maybe he just doesn’t like his kids? I would want to do what I could to get away from Abel too. Damn it’s getting dusty in my living room right now. Mr. Mayhem would be a bad ass superhero name though.
11:18: Time for Jax to kill Robocop. He didn’t waste any time with that.
11:19: Unser’s body :( Gemma’s body :)
11:20: Who the hell is this and should we know her? It’s time? On the nose much?
11:21: Straight suicide mission now for sure as he guns down Marks (from yet another black gang).
11:24: Quick google search just has me more confused about that homeless woman. Supposedly she is dead, but yet she also shows up in the background during a lot of big moments for Jax and Gemma. I’ve watched every episode of this show, so if I have to google something and am still confused then that’s a bad sign for your show.
11:26: Time to sit and reflect before death. Where is a roof when you need one? The crew is all ready for the murder party. The black guy doesn’t get in on this? They just elected him in and already discriminating against him. Sounds like a club field trip to see Selma is in order.
11:27: Jax says Tig is a good choice for VP. Who the hell else could he have picked? Two of the guys don’t have a name and the other two are named Rat and Happy. That is the definition of slim pickings.
11:28: Who gets the honor to kill the King? I vote Abel, but he would botch it I’m sure.
11:29: I knew they didn’t have the balls to go through with it. Even the no name Sons get a goodbye. Happy gets a kiss which is nice since he got shot. More goodbyes and now we watch him ride into the distance even as Happy continues to bleed out.
11:38: Is he gonna die where his dad died? That is some poetic stuff. He called his dad JT, who does that? I wouldn’t dare call my dad Dave, that is just straight disrespectful.
11:40: Can this cop be a little more obvious? I hate to see his undercover skills. I spoke too soon we’re getting another car chase.
11:41: WE’RE ENDING WITH A MUSICAL MONTAGE. I wish Vegas had odds on that because I would’ve bet every dollar I own that we would end with a musical montage.
11:42: What a cute and diverse family this is. Tough first day in the club for the black guy. Venus Van Damme in the building (I feel like Sutter took advantage of Walton Goggins doing him one favor). This is a slow seeming car chase. Abel future president of the Sons? Please don’t make that show.
11:45: Holy shit Michael Chiklis is going to hit Jax isn’t he? That is kind of awesome. A lot of focus on this bird flying overhead.
11:47: Rough way to go out. Kind of risky too, what happens if he survives this? Really painful and kind of embarrassing.
11:48: Birds eating bread and then they fly off as blood spreads. Scene. I’m not even going to attempt to dissect what that symbolism means.
11:53: Maybe I’ll give this after show a shot.
11:54: Nope I’m out.
So that was Sons of Anarchy. 92 episodes and 517 hours of our lives. Here’s to hoping Kurt Sutter reads this and calls me a piece of shit on Twitter!