For some reason I decided it would be interesting to watch an episode of a random show and see how much I can make my head hurt while writing a running diary. This could either be awesome or the worst thing ever written.
What show: Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Season 4 Episode 7: Escape from Bitch Mountain
Why: Read the episode description and tell me why not: Brandi feels that it’s time for Yolanda and Kyle to leave what happened in Paris behind them. Kim has had enough of Lisa trying to quiet her down. Carlton and Kim spend some time together while feeding squirrels. Brandi is in disbelief when she receives word that her dog is missing.
What I know: Nothing about this specific show. I know there are like a million different versions of these shows though. I was hoping there was an Alaska version of this but unfortunately not yet.
0:00-Great news is we get a previously on. Even though it goes by real fast we get some drama, two chicks making out, a group trip, women fascinated about the name Joyce, and a dinner that looks pretty intense.
0:02-Now we get an intro, they’re really helping me out so far. We are getting names right off the bat. This is a real good sign. I couldn’t put faces to the names but we are trending in the right direction.
0:03-We are starting back at the dinner table that we saw on the previously on. Must have been quite the cliff hanger. Two blondes are ganging up on a black haired lady and supposedly this happens a lot. One of the blondes starts to say how nice black haired lady is, but then says she turns into a crazy asshole a lot. Talk about a back handed compliment. Black haired lady’s feelings are really hurt. Two minutes in and I’m wondering why these women do this show. This is fun for them? Because it looks pretty miserable. Black haired lady is Kyle. I’m excited to stop having to refer to women by their hair color. There is some drama about her husband being in the tabloids. While one of the blondes takes a bathroom break the other blonde tells Kyle, “I’m still your friend even though I could say 1,000 fucked up things.” Weird definition of a friend. Kyle is out. And it turns out Brandi is the mean blonde and she is drunk. At least she has an excuse.
0:07-Kyle is now off crying and Yolanda, the second blonde is consoling her. More talk about her husband. What did this crazy cat do? Kyle is doing a one on one saying the tabloids are being mean and ugly to her family. I don’t believe it, that sounds nothing like the tabloids. “Nobody can tear us apart,” says Kyle. Aw it feels good to see Yolanda and Kyle make up. Wait the good times are over because apparently Yolanda is battling for her life. I need details. Now more girls coming over to hug Kyle. How about some hugs for poor Yolanda! So many hugs that I feel like I’m watching The Leftovers.
0:09-A third blonde, Kim now is saying something about her panties and a British lady closes the bathroom door on her. “Bam don’t you dare close that door on me,” says Kim. Hot damn Kim is going at British Lisa. She better watch out with all these death stares Kim is throwing her way. Kyle is back to crying, “Why can’t everyone get along?” Truer words have never been spoken. I can’t keep track of all the fights and neither can the ladies. Now we get another accented lady. She says, “I can’t stand drama. I certainly don’t want to be in the middle of it.” I’m thinking you’re on the wrong show lady.
0:11-We get a preview of more to come later: some lesbian chemistry between Brandi and accented lady. Count me intrigued.
0:12-Back in the house and Kim doesn’t want people telling her to settle her beefs. Someone asks her if she is cool with Yolanda. Damn they are beefing too? “I love her aura,” responds Kim. That’s a non-answer. Sweet Yolanda is willing to do the work for their friendship. She tells us she won’t forget but she has forgiven. That’s some next level stuff. How can we not all root for Yolanda? She is like the cougar Yoda.
0:13-Ladies coming and going, I’m losing track of how many there are. Kim is trying to apologize to Lisa, but it’s the worst apology attempt I’ve ever seen. There is talk of skinny dipping. This is what I’m talking about! Everyone wants Carlton (accented lady number two) to go first. Brandi is saying how sexy Carlton’s body is. I’ve seen better but to each his own. They are sharing a room. That is sure to bring some entertainment. Flashback to kiss between them in the pool. Dinner is finally over. That was the most exhausting ten minutes of my life.
0:15-Brandi is so drunk. Uh oh her and Carlton head off together. We head to the pool where Kyle and Joyce are relaxing. Kyle takes off her top. Did I accidentally put on the L Word? Joyce is apparently the newbie of the group so that’s why she is taking the abuse. I haven’t seen her take abuse, but I’m tempted to believe her considering all the fights that have already happened tonight. Back to Brandi, she is cursing and says she is going to molest Carlton. Wow this is getting out of hand. Weirdly Carlton is turned on big time. They go out on the prowl and run into some of the other ladies. Immediately we are back to beefing. This time it’s Lisa and Brandi. We now get an awkward five minute silent stand off.
0:18-Another preview of later on: Squirrels! I never thought I’d see squirrels get such a big role on a TV show.
0:19-Morning time. Everyone seems so happy. Coffee and sunlight is a game changer. Yolanda has to leave early for a “charity commitment”. Brandi is worried about being alone. Yeah I can’t imagine what she would do without a chaperon. We are talking epic possibilities. Lisa comes in to make amends. Brandi says she might ruphie Lisa and Yolanda to get them to relax. “I’m me. I do me,” says Brandi. She also says she has a drinking solution, not a drinking problem. Brandi is now giving Yolanda a run for cougar Yoda.
0:21-Joyce is the host of this whole weekend so she is who we should blame for all of this. The ladies are taking a ride to the top of a mountain for lunch. Joyce says she is afraid of heights, then why would you plan lunch at the top of a freakin mountain? Kim says something about a witch mountain and Carlton responds that she loves that movie. Apparently Kim was in it. Immediate follow up question should be is The Rock as cool in person as he seems? Also how well do you guys know each other if you don’t know these life details. Kim for some reason isn’t surprised Carlton liked that movie. Don’t understand why, but her laugh implies it has to do with Carlton’s lesbian tendencies. Meanwhile heights and hangovers aren’t meshing well for Brandi. Yolanda asks if will we see animals. Lisa, “There are enough animals in here” BURN! And what an incredible assist from my girl Yolanda.
0:24-We are at the top. Yolanda apparently has been in bed for nine months. What was wrong with her? Is she okay now? I need to know. There is a sign that says don’t feed the wild life. I’m thinking we are going to feed the wild life. And cut to Kim and Carlton feeding squirrels. Kim is fascinated, scared and confused all at the same time. Carlton rambles, “My beliefs in Wicca are about respect for mother Earth. I marvel at creation which is why I have such an affiliation to animals.” Such an enlightened soul this Carlton is.
0:26-It’s now lunch time and we are at a picnic table. This has to be the cheapest place these women have ever eaten at. Kyle is scared of squirrels and she is fighting back at them. Save the squirrels Carlton! Back to Kim and Lisa. They are still half fighting and half making up. Somehow we end up with Kim moving in with Lisa. Not sure if that is serious. Kim has been in a movie, she has to have her own mansion. Yolanda is hosting a dinner party on Tuesday and invites everyone. Canadian tenors are in town. Sounds like the perfect excuse for a party. Everyone sounds excited, how soon they forget their last dinner. Lunch time is over. Kim is now praying in a corner by a trash can. Girls are in shock. I’m not sure why, it seems so normal to pray next to a trash can. That is the second most popular place to pray behind church. The crew is splitting up now.
0:29-Another teaser: Brandi is cursing at a Blackberry. Maybe she did need Yolanda at dinner.
0:30-Bug alert back at the house. Kyle doesn’t want to cuddle with them which seems reasonable. Time to call in Carlton the Bug Whisperer. More Wicca knowledge from her, “I have such a passion for animals and creatures, but I’ve never seen anything this big.” She saves the ladies and sets the bug free into the desert. The Bug Whisperer officially needs her own spin-off.
0:32-Brandi and Carlton real talk time. Carlton is mad Brandi told everyone about their kiss. “You have a mouth on you,” she tells Brandi. Oh La La. They make up and move on. Nice to see drama end so easily for a change.
0:33-Joyce is making some appetizers. Brandi is making the dinner though, she is the boss in the kitchen. Joyce is excited to learn Brandi’s famous taco recipe. I’m sure it’s a crazy one. Dinner is served. Seems so relaxing, we must’ve gotten rid of those bad eggs. Kyle is reliving her nightmare of almost death by squirrel. Everyone decides to call their kids. They have kids? You would think someone would’ve mentioned kids sometime in the first thirty-five minutes.
0:36-Cops just left Brandi’s house! Her house was broken into. Nothing was taken but her dog Chica is missing. Damn she is going in on Cameron her assistant. Brandi says her kids are going to be so sad. Why isn’t she wondering if her kids are taken too? They would probably be more sad about that than their dog being gone. Kyle says we need to put up signs ASAP. Good plan if only we were anywhere near home. You got to bring something better to the table Kyle. Flashback to Brandi with her dogs and here come the tears. The dog is probably dead says Brandi. Way to jump to the worst case scenario. The girls are being so supportive until Joyce just has to jump in. “I’ve lost a dog before,” she says. “It’s not a competition Joyce. She doesn’t know when to shut the fuck up. It’s always about you,” says Brandi. Joyce tries to make things right by giving Brandi a hug. Hugs don’t solve everything ladies.
0:39-Now Brandi is back to crying on the phone with Cameron. She is still blaming Cameron. Brandi doesn’t care about her house or her stuff or her kids (my words) just her dog. Cameron needs to go outside and call her name. Brandi cries in the bathroom on the phone as the other girls stand around looking sad.
0:40-Later on: Brandi screaming “I’m coming to get my fucking dog.” Now that’s a tease!
0:41-As Kim tries to comfort Brandi she can’t even decide if Chica is a guy or girl. Someone needs to get on Rosetta Stone. Carlton is leaving with Brandi. All the girls kiss and hug. Finally we find out Brandi’s kids are with their father. Chica is all she has when her kids are gone. Wow I look bad for being so mean to her. “I need to find her,” Brandi repeats over and over. We end on “I’’m coming to get my fucking dog.”
0:43-Not so fast, we get a next on: Carlton is buying sex toys, Kim has some drama with her dog now, Yolanda’s dinner party, more references to her being sick, and drama at dinner but this time with guys involved!
That was something. It wasn’t good per se, but it was something. Excuse me though as I go find out what is wrong with my sweet Yolanda.