For some reason I decided it would be interesting to watch an episode of a random show and see how much I can make my head hurt while writing a running diary. This could either be awesome or the worst thing ever written.
What show: Pretty Little Liars, Season 4 Episode 12: Bring Down the Hoe
Why: I’m a masochist and I loved this episode description: As the liars step up their investigation into their most recent suspect, a western-themed dance turns into a two-step with A.
What I know: My fourteen-year old sister watches it religiously and she is constantly blabbing about someone named A.
0:00-Awesome we get a previously on. It includes some awesome music, baby mama drama, lesbians and crawl spaces! I’m all in already.
0:01-Man they are jumping right in by having a conversation that consists of yelling as many names as possible. Cece, Jenna, Allie, Emily and those are only the ones I can make out. They keep saying the same names! I feel like they are doing this for my benefit, thanks writers. Not sure the context but one girl just told another that she should wear underwear at all times. Good rule. Also supposedly lawyers are bad people. Pretty Little Life Lesson Givers might be a good new title.
0:03-A lady cop is showing up at lunch and she is serving up a bowl of suspicious questions. She found a muddy shoe and it’s being sent in for tests. Conveniently Hannah needs a potty break. That’s not gonna raise the thick eyebrows of lady cop.
0:04-Flash forward and lady cop is gone. We’re all hanging out in the hallway and here come the A references. And more names! They are all going to go check out the crawl space, the investigation is on. Tall brown haired girl gets a message and is real nervous. A man who looks 30 wearing a back pack is staring at blondie. Where is lady cop when we need her?
0:06-Lesbian alert! The lesbian we haven’t seen yet is wearing a girl scouts jacket, she gets style. There is clearly some lesbian jealousy going on here.
0:07-Another 30 year-old guy shows up now. Is this high school or college? I’m seriously not sure. This has to be the most awkward conversation that’s ever happened. Here is a sample:
Girl: “Do you two step?”
Guy: “In the parking lot (not in a sarcastic way)?”
Girl: “No at a barn at the school dance, want to go?”
Guy: Excitingly says “Yes.”
Girl: Surprised says, “Oh ok.”
A super hot girl driving a nice car is surprised a guy wants to go to dance with her. Wow apparently they’re dating? I’m so confused. I haven’t seen worse chemistry since Tommy Wiseau tried talking to any human being.
0:08-One of the girls goes to talk to someone who may be a teacher I say may be a teacher because he has a desk at the front of the classroom, but yet he looks younger than any of the male students we’ve seen. She asks if he is growing a beard. I might be crazy, but I’m thinking there is some history here. Her name is Emily. I think I might be able to remember that one. Nine minutes in and I know one name! He starts opening up about his marriage problems, yep they have banged.
0:10-Hannah! We got another name and she kisses some creepy gothic looking guy. He looks young, maybe 28. He just told her to giddy up little doggy. This guy has to be my favorite so far. Damn somebody left hundreds of dollars in her locker and wait there is the first creepy 30 year old leering around the corner.
0:11-So many references to names of people who we haven’t seen at all. Brown haired girl from earlier is arguing with some dude. They get in a truck and some music comes on. Who sings this she asks? Could it be Miley or Gaga? No, it’s his mom. Not 100% sure but I’m guessing she is dead.
0:12-Creepy 30 year old from the halls earlier walks in to coffee shop and orders water. C’mon who does that? Hannah decides to confront his ass. He better stop following her or he will be one sorry stalker, you go girl!
0:13-Back to the truck and they’re still freaking out about the music. A lot of gibberish here that I can’t understand, but supposedly this is a classic A move. I agree this is so A.
0:14-Now to the crawl space. I’ve been waiting all episode for this. They have flash lights even though I’ve never seen a more lighted area in my life. We hear some creepy noises, could it be A? No, it’s just Spence. Footsteps now, A this time? They think it’s got to be Hannah but OMG it can’t be Hannah because she just text saying she is at the mall. Ahhhh now blades are coming through the floor! End of scene. Now that’s an act break.
0:16-The girls run back to tell Hannah the terrifying story. The real star of the scene though is the Macy’s bag that is front and center. Best product placement since 30 Rock. They really think Cece is A. I might think so if they ever introduced me to Cece. Uh oh the girls are turning on Spence. Apparently she is living a double life. She got herself a boyfriend and said dudes before ovaries. Even worse is that Spence’s boyfriend Toby use to work with A. You’re better than that Spence.
0:18-Speaking of Toby he is freaking out over a picture message. It must be real bad, could it be a dead body or Spence cheating on him? Nope just some old car.
0:19-The only girl whose name I don’t know sees teacher boy at the coffee shop. He is like Laurie from Walking Dead, has sexual chemistry with everyone. Now hunky 30 year old walks in to make things real awkward. Teacher boy cowers away. The hunk bought her some green cowboy boots and he’s putting them on like she is cinderella. She is real impressed that he knew her size. I say we have another stalker on our hands.
0:21-Emily is packing, she can’t stay at home anymore for some reason that isn’t clear. A text comes in from her girlfriend but she can’t respond because we have to go to a flashback triggered by nail polish. Some girl named Allison is doing Emily’s nails. She is like a love doctor. She recently almost got assassinated helping a friend perform a break up. That must have been some break up. End of flashback. That was almost as bad as when Jack got his tattoo on Lost.
0:23-We are now in a room with newspapers on the wall and a girl is on the phone. It’s Allison! The camera really wants us to know she has red coat. I might be crazy but I’m thinking we might see that coat again.
0:24-The time has come. It’s hoe down time. Gothic looking guy is back and now he looks not gothic at all but full cowboy. He is a chameleon. He turns his back for a second and stalker boy sneaks in and wants a dance from Hannah. The stalker has balls I’ll give him that.
0:25-Bombshell alert. It turns out he gave her the money and he knows her mom is innocent! There was some incident that involved her mom, a lake and gun shots. This is a lot to digest, how does my sister do this on a weekly basis? Gothic cowboy is back, but stalker boy gets to keep dancing with that kind of info. Apparently he saw a woman run away from the dead body and the money was left for him to keep his mouth shut.
0:27-The whole crew is at the dance now, you know things are about to go down. Stalker and Hannah are still dancing and talking murder. Stalker boy seems nervous. He has done all he can do so he’s off into the night.
0:28-These people really know how to do these cowboy dances, was there a rehearsal barn dance or are there just a lot of barn dances? Everyone seems so happy. Nothing like a hoe down to turn things around.
0:29-0:31-Not much happens here which is really saying something. Go take a bathroom break.
0:32-Toby and Spence are arguing again. I don’t think these crazy kids are gonna make it. Toby is mad she told her friends about his mom. Toby out. A is in his head for sure.
0:33-The dance is quickly taking a turn for the worse until we discover there is a fried chicken buffet. These frowns need to be turned upside down. Go get some chicken Spence to ease your pain. She follows my advice as she takes gothic cowboy’s chicken and sends him off to keep an eye on Toby. It’s now just Spence and two plates of fried chicken. Her face says she is sad, but I bet her stomach is happy.
0:34-Oh man some mysterious thing is making eyes at M from far away. M is too busy telling Ms. No Name that teacher boy is losing his kid. Back to the mysterious thing, M spots it and it’s wearing a RED COAT! Who would have guessed that would come back into play?
0:36-M and Spence follow the coat, the chase is on. They ask a mean wannabe Santa for his truck. He responds, “Hay rides are over Pippi Long Stocking!” Shots fired. He deserves to get his truck stolen. And of course the keys are in the ignition.
0:37-Five minutes left and we finally get to find out that Ms. No Name is also known as Arya. She is apologizing to teacher man for ignoring him.
0:38-The truck hasn’t even started and M sees something moving in the hay. M goes for the hoe and starts swinging it with no regard for human life. Wait a minute the name of the episode says hoe in it! It’s all connected folks. They find the red sweater, but no body.
0:39-The gothic cowboy interrupts Toby trying to steal the car from the text message. A cop car comes out of nowhere. It had to be a set up.
0:40-They’re tearing apart this red jacket, how many pockets could it have? It’s missing a button that must mean something. Another damn Cece reference. I feel like Cece doesn’t even exist. It’s just a ploy to get me to watch more episodes so I can find out who she is.
0:41-M wants to dance with her girlfriend. If this is was 1997 this would be an earth shattering moment. Lesbian cowboys dance weird though. They are front to back, but they are flaunting it and don’t care who knows it.
0:42-Arya is back at teacher’s apartment. She ditched the hunk for him. Things are about to get sexy in here, but wait outside the apartment looking through the key hole is a blonde in a hoodie. It might be Allison, I can’t confirm. She has voodoo dolls of the girls even one of herself. She stabbed one? Which one???
Wow that was quite a ride. Now excuse me while I go down a Wikipedia rabbit hole trying to find Cece.