How To Get Fat In 5 Simple Steps

By Derek Lawrence

Being skinny and in shape is nice sure. You can run a mile without coughing up a lung. You can be much more comfortable talking to a beautiful lady. All of that stuff is fun, but let’s not ignore the negatives. You have to wake up early in the morning to work out. You have to worry about what you eat. That sounds miserable doesn’t it? Exactly, so I’m here to give you your easy guide to getting fat. Trust me this stuff works, I know from experience.

1. Tomorrow you will change your life.

Convince yourself that tomorrow is the day. Tomorrow will be the day that your turn it around. I mean tomorrow is Monday so it really makes a lot more sense to start a diet than on a Sunday! Keeping that in mind you might as well go HAM today. Breakfast? McGriddle from McDonalds with a large Dr.Pepper. Lunch? Large popcorn and large soda at the movies. Dinner? Whatever $10 at Taco Bell can get you and then of course pick up a blizzard at Dairy Queen for dessert. You are now more than ready for tomorrow. Or maybe Tuesday makes more sense. You were born on a Tuesday, that has more meaning.

2. Baggier is better.

When I was in high school baggy was cool. Trust me it was. That’s why I was rocking South Pole and basketball jerseys. Unfortunately for me baggy wasn’t cool in college, but I stuck with it. Anyways I progress. Tight, preppy stuff is the way to go when you are a grown man. Give off that classy look. The problem with being fat is that you want to wear those clothes, but you have to go a little baggy. Why? Try and convince the world that you are skinnier than u are. This can be tough. You might need to try on about twenty shirts before you go out, but it only takes that perfect one.

3. Do your days off right.

What to do on off days? So many options: go buy some new shoes, hang with your friends, or many outdoor activities. Those sound good, but you know what would be perfect? Sitting in your apartment all day watching TV and playing video games. Actually I’m wrong. Leave the apartment once to go pick up some pizza from a local pizza place that you go to so often that they’re on a first name basis with you. Also don’t just get a large pizza, throw in a pound of wings and a 2 liter of cherry coke. Finishing all that food and the first season of Orphan Black now that’s what makes a productive day off.

4. Driving for fun.

Every now and then you even have to trick yourself into thinking you are going to exercise. Get in your car dressed in your workout clothes, bring your iPod and water bottle. Drive to the gym, even pull into the parking lot. Then comes the key: don’t go in. Think about it for a second. Do you really want to go in there for an hour and sweat? That sounds like work. What wouldn’t be work? Getting a Baconator. Yeah that would be pretty easy to eat right about now. That seems right. Remember tomorrow the gym will probably be less crowded so better to wait until then anyway.

5.What’s important in life?

There are a lot of things that you should let run your life: career, spouse, children. Something that is as, if not more important than those is your DVR. She is just as important as anything in your life. Unlike other things in your life she can run out of space. You don’t want to get to the point where you are so preoccupied with other things that your DVR is 50% full. That’s madness, you have to take better care of her than that. My motto is, by any means necessary don’t let your DVR get higher than 30% full. Go out on Saturday night? Can’t — I have 2 episodes of Hawaii 5-0 to catch up on. Work early in the morning? Can’t go to bed yet, I have to half-watch last night’s Louie even though I’m not that into the show. The key isn’t to pay attention and really enjoy the shows that you’ve recorded but to finish them by any means necessary to clear that valuable space.

There it is your 100% guaranteed way to get fat. It works, I created this playbook and it couldn’t have gone better. I had perfected life. Now this story does have a sad ending. For some reason I became possessed and betrayed my fat brothers. I turned my back on my people and my way of life. The result: I lost 140 pounds. It’s terrible. I work out every day, I get excited to eat salad and I even get the chance to talk to beautiful girls sometimes (don’t worry not too often). Like Jack from Lost I just want to go back.