Is there anything better than the shower before you’re about to hit the town? Seriously there’s just so much hope in the air. The possibilities are endless. You could end up in a threesome with Jennifer Lawrence and Shailene Woodley or you could die in a bar fight. Both are equally possible. Anything could happen. With that being the case there are so many things that you must think about during that beautiful, relaxing 20 minute shower. Here is what runs through my mind:
1. Where do I rank in my group of friends? I don’t want to be number one because that’s too much pressure. The second ranked guy has to be ready to be the wingman for the first guy. I think third is a comfortable spot. Not much pressure being the Chandler of the group.
2. How long is too long to stare? I really need to know this. I definitely do long stares. I need to give it long enough to where she knows what’s up.
3. Why do I get so pumped listening to Rich Homie Quan in the shower? I’m so hyped right now. It should be illegal to be this hyped.
4. Speaking of doing anything I really think if I could rap that I would make a good rapper. I could easily see myself being the white Fabolous. I already have the nickname of D-LAW. Having a great name is half the battle.
5. Should I leave my Game of Thrones books out? If a girl comes back to my place would she be impressed that I read or think I’m too nerdy for reading books about dragons and dwarfs?
6. I have to be ready in case I run into Kate Upton. The odds are low that this will happen, but she is from around here. I don’t want to be caught unprepared if she is in town visiting her family after just breaking up with Justin Verlander. I definitely need to work into the conversation that my grandma buys me her Sports Illustrated calendar every year for Christmas.
7. Do I leave all the episodes of Girls I recorded on my DVR? A lady friend might want to get her laugh on in the morning.
8. Do I start playing Pretty Ricky the moment a girl gets back to my place or do I ease her into it?
9. How many shirts will I try on before settling on one of the same three shirts I always wear out?
10. Remember to leave when your friends leave. Nothing good ever happens when you stay behind solo for the last twenty minutes of the night. Way too much dancing with no around you.
11. How many random hairs do I need to shave? There has to be a few on the chest and then always one hair by itself on about seven spots on my face.
12. I could’ve been Jonah Hill.
13. When is the last time I cleaned my sheets?
14. Don’t get too drunk. You know how bad your drunk eyes get.
15. When is Will Smith going to make a good movie again? I think he has officially dropped out of the number one spot in my heart rankings.
16. What kind of chick should I look for tonight? A Marnie? A Shoshanna? A Hannah?
17. At what point in conversation do I bring up that I have a bachelor’s degree? Because that definitely has to come up just so she knows.
18. Definitely a Marnie.
19. Will girls think it’s hot or weird that I have a Celtics jersey above my bed that says D-LAW on it?
20. Do I watch too much Girls?