This Is How I Want To Remember You Time After Time

A woman in a white dress is shown with her legs dangling over Purgatory Falls.
Hanna Morris / Unsplash

I am aware that the world never stops, but sometimes I pause to contemplate the people who come into my life. Those that stay permanently, the others that teach me lessons then leave once their purpose is served, and those who leave, but I do not want to disremember. Then there’s you, whom I wanted to keep around forever, whom I wanted to remember endlessly. We don’t get to choose who sticks around, but we get to retain the memories, and you’re one of the most precious ones I’ve ever created.

When I lay in bed and feel the comfort that it brings; I want to remember the days when we would lay down together and laugh non-stop about things that didn’t make sense. The conversations about random things in our lives, or the arguments over situations that we didn’t know how to control. I want to remember your sleepy voice and the look on your face when you would wake up in the morning, or in the middle of the night to pull me closer. I want to lay there and somehow feel you close, beside me, holding me when I feel cold while whispering “get under the covers.”

I want to remember the way you looked at me and smiled because you couldn’t believe it was real. The way you sat there and listened to me and reminded me everything was going to be okay. How sometimes we couldn’t handle each other, but we would just try and understand every circumstance without losing what we had. How you cried, how I cried because life sucks and we couldn’t get things our way. Mainly how I cried when I knew I wanted you and didn’t want to admit it, there and then you had nothing left to say because there was no point at all. Still, I hope I remember how it felt for someone like you to get me and say you believed in who I was, who I am.

I want to remember the way your lips would always find their way to mine, even in the dark when nights turned loud, steamy, and desirous.

How your hand looked for mine and took it to explore every inch of you. How your arms were the safest place in the world when everything else felt dangerous and surreal. I want to remember how I crawled back to everything that you are because everything that I am asked me for more. Additionally, I want to recapture the way you decided that what you gave could no longer belong to me.

I’ll listen to the song you sang in the parking lot when everyone was watching, the one we sang together on our way back home, the ones that reminded you of the old times, good or bad, and the one you decided to be our song forever. I’ll remember you and your passion for music, which never failed to amaze me. I want to remember the way you made me lay there while you showed or explained your favorite songs to me. The sounds of every melody ever played by you are something I will remember because they’re all a part of who we were and what we did.

Darling, and when I miss you the most, I want to remember the side of you that made me feel whole.

I want to remember why I chose to risk it all for you. It’s only fair to remember how I hurt you and how you hurt me, how you wished you could’ve felt the same and how we created a beautiful tragedy. When I find myself walking through the park, I’ll remember the first kiss, and when the rain starts to pour, I’ll reminisce how much you disliked days like those because you preferred the sun over the clouds. All the pictures and videos I took of you remind me of who you used to be, but not even the best camera would be able to capture a moment the way my eyes and heart did.

Lastly, I want to remember how your heart belonged to someone else and my love couldn’t make you stay.

I hope I remember all the reasons why you left, and I hope I don’t feel sad about not having you close. Time after time, all I want to revive is the kindness of your soul, the goodness of your heart and how meeting you changed who I was and shaped me into who I needed to be. TC mark

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