I actually didn’t write this letter to come out as the good guy or a hero. But I am guilty of writing this letter to try and correct my mistakes. We are all entitled to write our story and of course, we always come out as the star in our own fairy tale. Yet, these past few days, I began to think about what we do look like in other people’s stories. Do we run around their minds as their co-stars? Or simply just a villain? The thought makes me squirm on my seat. The thing is I never want to hurt anybody – no matter the pain they have caused me. Who am I to even inflict a scar that doesn’t turn up physically but runs deeper?
So, I would like to start my apology to the people I had hurt unconsciously. I may have had times where I was in a bad mood and that my temper gets in the way. And if I had in any way said tactless words that insulted you or degraded you – I am sorry. You are absolutely amazing. You have reached things that I haven’t reached and I have no right (temper be damned) to screw over your feelings. You might have talked about me to your friends, and I am okay with that even if the words are cruel; because I would most likely have done the same. If I could start things over, and if I could refresh my mind on the things I have said, I think you would have been a very good friend.
To the people I deliberately hurt, my apologies go a hundred times farther. I think being in a fight fest with you, no matter how thrilling that would be, is energy draining. I had lost too many friends from pride and a little bit of angst – and I don’t think I can bear losing another one for something so meaningless. Even though I do not regret standing up for myself, I do wish that it didn’t mean having to lose not only friends but also sleep. If you are one of those who I have drifted apart with, thank you for all the good times we had and sorry that we had to cut it short. But as they had said, some of the puzzle pieces just don’t click into place. And if you are one of those who I am still friends with, thank you for actually staying through all the snarky comments and lengthy apologies. Please don’t stop being honest with me.
I’m not even sure if some of you know that I had judged you but I’m going to say sorry anyways. No one deserves to be judged no matter how natural it comes to the human mind. No one deserves to be gossiped before even knowing the whole story – or even after. Please know that the people who love you think the world of you. My words are never going to be greater than the people who really know you inside and out. But I hope you’ll find that my apologies will be greater than the cruel words I have said. You’re an awesome person and no one’s going to strip that away from you. Your mistakes are just that, mistakes. And one day, you will go through life knowing that even though you can’t undo them you have the power to correct them. It is indeed true that language is the root cause of misunderstanding. But with language, I can also tell you that I am sorry – and that is enough for me.
To the frienemies I got too tired to actually really find the time to hang out with, sorry. Yes, I have heard things about you (that just aren’t that good) and I have heard the things you said about me (again, not that good) but if it is because of something that I had done in the past that may have disappointed you or hurt you, I am sorry. Pain is a vicious cycle. And it can either change you to be good… or to be bad. But I still think you are wonderful though. I could recount all the good we had despite there being less than the quarrels and sickening backstabbing. I just think that we didn’t get along together like peas in a pod. But I’m pretty sure that if we had different/better friends, we’d be just fine. The thing is the people who surround us can either bring us our best or our worst. I guess it wasn’t that great when we had each other. Please know that I am thankful for everything you had taught me though. We may not keep in touch in the future, but I’ll surely remember you.
Although some of us are not on speaking terms now, I do hope that you’ll remember the nicer things we’ve actually shared. The truth is I wish for the best things to come your way… and I wish I could not inflict any pain to any of you again. To the people I have yet to hurt, I am truly sorry. In any case, I wish it will not be a deliberate act on my side that would cost you pain. Because I do have my share of tears and curses myself – and it’s not a feeling I would want to remember any time soon. Good luck on your adventures! You’ll be a hoot.
Of course I’ll hurt you,
Of course you’ll hurt me,
Of course we will hurt each other.
But this is the very condition of existence.
To become spring, means
accepting the risk of winter.
To become presence, means
accepting the risk of absence.
–Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince