Why There Was Never An Us

Flickr / Regan Vercruysse
Flickr / Regan Vercruysse

We were an old story, another simple tragic case of love. Cupid must have had a fun time putting arrows on us that soon gave us wounds that bled; just like you had a fun time playing with my heart. For years, I never blamed you. All I thought about was that if I were you, I would’ve left me too. My flaws had been the answer to questions that occurred to me during the nights I couldn’t sleep – which were often.

I am lazy. I am socially awkward. I had a small nose and a gap on my teeth. I was not pretty. And I was in love with you.

You were tall, charming, and handsome and I thought for a while, you were mine. You loved numbers. You were very good at math and I constantly had to copy homework from you – and you were okay with it. You were hooked with words. You argued with me on the smallest things and sometimes, I let you win not because you were a sore loser (well maybe) but because I loved you and for me, you were all the right answer I need.

You were definitely not a singer, and I had often times laughed at you, but you sing to me anyways. You surprised me with flowers the first time we fought and then with chocolates the next many times we did. You stayed up late with me whenever I can’t just put a book down or the bouts of insomnia came to me. And you never let me walk home alone.

But you were not mine as I had always been yours. You were first in love with my best friend. I hadn’t realized it at first because all I thought about was the perfection of having an ‘us’. I asked you once about the first person you loved, and I wish I hadn’t. You found me, knowing that you can’t have my best friend. And with that, you had left me to think that I was an easy catch. I swear, I thought I wasn’t. Yet out of the desperate rush to feel the heady notion of love, I must’ve been easy to get.

So I forgave you, because we fall in love in sudden ways, sometimes not even realizing we already had until it’s gone or until you can’t have it. I know so, because you were my first. And I can’t have you. Because despite of knowing the words forgive and forget, you went to find another love… and that love wasn’t me. With that, I may be able to forgive you but never give you another chance. Because again, you left me as your second choice. I was left as just an option every time one door closes upon you.

She was pretty by the way. She was everything I’m not. And I can see why you chose her. I can see why you chose to lie to me. I can see why you left me. She wasn’t spontaneous and indecisive as I often was which always irritated you. She looked about a size zero while you had always complained that I was a bit too heavy for my size.

She was confident with what she had – and she should be. She had you. Even when she knew about ‘us’, she still had you. And when she asked, you told her there was no ‘us’. You never thought I would know which says something about what you think of me. To you, I was stupid.

That is why there was never an ‘us’. You might’ve been perfect, but not for me. Instead of loving my flaws, you had given me more. You had played me for a fool, because you knew I loved you too much to even let go. The saddest part was not the thought of moving on but the thought that in the process of loving you, I had lost myself. I had become someone I didn’t want to be. I didn’t give myself enough credit.

You had broken me enough that I shied away from love. But not anymore. Because I found a new love, and the greatest love I have yet, of myself. Someday, my flaws will be the answer to the questions of why a person loves me. But for today, my answer to your question remains as no, I can’t give you another chance. Not after the things you did to me.

Not after the hearts you have broken. I can only thank you for waking me up and for finally letting me see what I was worth. I wish you good luck on your life and on the love you’ll be giving in the future.

Love,
Emma

P.S. You are my favorite mistake. TC mark

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