Condoms: A Love Story

The kissing begins. One lip massages the other. Hands wander. Tongues get involved.

The kissing picks up. Passion is inserted into the equation. Biting, nibbling, and sucking all make their presence known. Hands make their way to lower extremities. Tongues now focus on other areas. Juices are flowing. Blood is pumping. Hearts are racing.

He looks at her. She looks at him. They position themselves perfectly. Clothes are ripped off. The scent of sex invades, establishes a residency. It’s time, the right moment. Intercourse is about to occur. He is ready. She is ready. But she pauses and asks:

“Aren’t you forgetting something?”

What? Did you think this was a passage from Fifty Shades of Grey?

Hide the chains. Hold back the whips. Keep the handcuffs at a safe distance. I’m talking about condoms. Yes, nobody likes to use them. I certainly hate them. You’re in the heat of the moment and you have to stop, rip open the preventative baby maker, and strap on that wonderful contraceptive. Hopefully, you’ll remember how to use one.

Ladies, make sure your partners remember how to use one. We don’t want any ripping or leakage occurring. We all know not to keep one in your wallet that is constantly placed in your back pocket and squashed by your gluteus maximus. If you think you’re going to have sex on a given night, bring a condom or two or six.

I don’t always wear condoms. But when I do, I prefer Trojan.

If you meet someone or are suddenly put in that position where you know it is going to happen, go on a condom run. Hell, bring her with you. That’s always an adventure, especially if you’re drunk. I have been on a couple condom scavenger hunts in my day and each time has brought me joy. You know the vocals right before that amazing guitar solo in “Free Bird”? That’s how I felt walking into CVS with bells on; a nice build-up of vocal, metaphorical foreplay, leading to potential history. Sex should be exactly like the guitar solo in “Free Bird”: long, passionate, moving, enjoyable, and eventual hands raised in the air once it’s finished, patting yourself on the back, giving yourself an A for performance or at least — for effort.

Now a lot of you may think that isn’t possible when a piece of latex rubber is strapped to your penis. My hand is raised. I’m nodding my head. You’re not alone. Even though I hate condoms as much as the next guy, they are as necessary as ketchup and mustard on a hot dog. In this instance, dress your hot dog. If you want to dress it with ketchup and mustard, that’s your call. No judgments coming from my end.

They are necessary because a girl needs to trust you before she is going to let you toot her horn. Condoms are not manipulation or deception. Any self-respecting girl should make sure you are packing the heat of a condom. Any girl who doesn’t is dumb. Just saying. Have fun with the crabs crawling all over your vagina and the itch that emerges from herpes.

Once you trust each other sexually, feel free to discuss the removal of the thing we all love to hate. I’m letting my boy roam free and explore my favorite area of a woman without a hat on my head. I just think you’ll get a lot more brownie points if you show that you are willing to use a condom, at least for the first time that is. I mean, I guess it isn’t so bad. There are worse things in life then wearing a condom. If you’re wearing a condom, that means you’re having sex, right… most of the time?

Again, I’m not judging. And what is better than sex? You know, besides an eight dollar Big Mac when you’re drunk in Penn Station. Not much, right? Safe sex is better than no sex at all. So when the batteries are sold separately, make sure you buy the damn batteries.

Wrap your tool — at least once. TC mark

 

image – Gregg Stokes

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  • sharkbait

    yes!! finally!!!

  • AR

    “There are worse things in life ‘then’ wearing a condom.” THAN.
    Great article otherwise!

  • H

    Um, condoms DON’T prevent crabs or herpes.

  • Jasmine

    Haha, ketchup and mustard. AND FUCK YES FREEBIRD.

  • http://www.facebook.com/angela.holmberg129 Angela Holmberg

    “Even though I hate condoms as much as the next guy, they are as necessary as ketchup and mustard on a hot dog.” But what if you’re from Chicago?

  • http://www.itmakesmestronger.com/2012/06/condoms-a-love-story-2/ Only L<3Ve @ ItMakesMeStronger.com

    […] Thought Catalog » Love & Sex Add a comment […]

  • L

    H is right about the crabs or herpes. you might remember how to put on a condom…but you probably forgot the rest of your sex ed…and does “trust each other sexually” imply the use of alternative contraception or just the trust that you don’t have the hiv? I think a little more than “trust” needs to be in place before you take your hat off.

  • G

    Agree. BUT this is the worst writing ever sorry. No flow at all.

  • anonymous

    This is terrible. I can’t believe thoughcatalog published this! The ONLY time it is acceptable to not wear condoms is if you are in a long term relationship and both partners have been tested. And even then there has to be a very high level of trust. This article makes me slightly sick.

    • Ash

      What are you, 12? I guarantee you the rest of the world does not operate that way.

  • Rocco

    It’s Thought Catalog, you guys. Ain’t like you’re gonna get properly educated over here—though this is jolly entertaining a website. Totally agree about the whole ‘removing one’s hat’ upon settling on serious terms with your partner. ‘Tis all about the thrust—uh I mean trust.

  • Anonymous

    Why are men so quick to not wear a condom? I mean I get the whole “it doesnt feel as good” thing but like…if you are having sex with someone and you aren’t in a monogamous relationship why do you put your pleasure before your health? Someone explain this to me because as a female who in the heat of the moment has sat there and argued with several men about wrapping it up I just want to understand the male thought process.

    • MAJA

      Several men…at once? :DD That would be one hell of a job at convincing them to wrap it up :DDDDD

  • Jake

    I have always worn condoms, but can relate to not loving them. Demetri you should totally contact Lucky Bloke. I am a participant in their condom review and have found condoms I actually love – seriously. I am not going to say its changed my life, but it has totally improved the way I feel about condoms.

  • tals

    jebus.
    what feels worse? sex with a condom or no sex at all?

  • olganizer

    felt like was in my freshman yr of college and the RA were doing their little safe sex shpeil and trying to sound hip. you should submit this to HS guidance counselors for distribution

  • DG

    Well said, beautifully written

  • Khalak Singh Solanki

    Although I hate Condom yet Recomend to others who have Multiple & illegal Relations….

  • Anonymous

    For someone who writes articles about condoms…you gave my friend chlymidia

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