There are some feelings in life that are inexplicably unbearable. There is no reason why these things should cause us such great discomfort – they just do. Now, before anyone gets all “well, actually getting set on fire/being crushed by a 600 pound elephant/falling headfirst into a ravine filled with needles would hurt more,” please note that these are feelings a person is likely to encounter on a semi-regular basis. This is not a list of potential torture methods; it is a list of bothersome things that drive most of us way too crazy.
10. When you trip and someone did, in fact, see you.
Okay, so that was a pretty obnoxious trip. You flailed your arms and potentially let out a bit of a screech, but you were still hoping that no one took notice. But the man across the street is here to dash your hopes. Not only has he seen your clumsy girl’s gymnastics routine, he is making eye contact to let you know that he saw it. Why couldn’t he just look away?
9. Answering “good, how are you?” when the other person only said hi.
People don’t actually care about how you are when they ask, but do you know who cares even less? Someone who did not ask.
8. When someone remembers your name but you can’t for the life of you remembers theirs.
You feel awful and inconsiderate but there’s just this big blank spot in your brain where their name should be. You’ve met them like 5 times and there is no excuse not to remember. So instead you say “hey, girl” like you’re best friends when really you couldn’t even save one kilobyte of brain memory for their goddamn name.
7. When you remember their name but they openly admit to not remembering yours.
Okay, asshole, we’ve met like 5 times. Fine, you can’t remember my name. You should ask a mutual friend at a later date, not make me want to write myself a name tag, shove it in your face and then make you eat it, by asking me for a fifth time.
6. When you stub your toe/hit your funny bone in an environment where it is totally inappropriate to let out a string of curse words.
The pain is bubbling, you’re about to explode; the F word, the C word, and many other, more creative curse words are crowding in your mouth, ready to tumble out if you dare to open it. But this is your super Catholic great uncle’s funeral and that side of the family already thinks you’re some kind of harlot because you brought a boy to last year’s Thanksgiving dinner. You must swallow those swear words or forever be exiled from family gatherings. Although, now that you think of it, that might not be the worst thing that could happen.
5. Running for the city bus, only to have the driver pull away after making eye contact.
I don’t chase a lot of things. Not trends, not boys and certainly not liquor. But I will admit to chasing the bus from time to time. Public transit is never fun, but it is considerably less fun when you are stuck waiting another 30 minutes because you were too lazy to break into a light jog to catch your bus. Yet there are some bus drivers who are so evil, so masochistic, that they seem to get deep joy from watching you run and then pulling away at the last second. They want you to know they saw you. They want you to take it personally.
4. Congratulating your friends on their “real” jobs, anniversaries, engagements, etc. when your life is painfully stagnant.
You love your friends, really and truly, and you are so happy for them when they succeed. But you can’t help but feel pangs of loneliness when everyone around you seems to be doing so well and your life is standing still. Actually no, your life is doing worse than standing still after you got that 75 dollar parking ticket. All of your friends go home to their long-time boyfriends when you part ways after girl’s night, but everyone knows that you will be going home to more wine, Netflix, and your cat. This truly hasn’t been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.
3. Seeing your ex when you’re not looking your flyest.
You might have won the breakup. You know it, he knows it, and all of your mutual friends know it. Yet that doesn’t stop the compelling urge to duck behind the nearest car when you see him walking towards you when you just ran to the store, sans makeup, to grab some Midol. You will post a hot Instagram in the next few days so as to remind him that you are, in fact, the better looking human being.
2. When you accidentally step on your pet’s foot.
A person’s foot? No problem, say sorry and carry on with your life as normal. Your pet’s foot? Drop to your knees and hug your little furry companion for dear life with tears rolling down your face, hoping they will understand how deeply and sincerely sorry you are. You will never forgive yourself.
1. When your sock falls off in your boot.
Okay, we all know that this is the worst feeling ever. If this were a list of potential torture methods, this would still be at number one. Picture this: you’re in public and you simply cannot remove your whole boot to fix this insanely uncomfortable slip. You try subtly reaching your hand down your boot but it is just not doing the trick. You can think of nothing else. You try to make it to a secluded area so you can relieve yourself of this building stress. But you don’t make it. You’re found on the sidewalk, in fetal position, mumbling something about socks, while onlookers shake their head, remembering loved ones who had gone the same way.