I Can’t Be Sure You Love Me, Because I Don’t Love Myself

image - Flickr / Jarle Naustvik
image – Flickr / Jarle Naustvik

It started with a feeling I got whenever I talked to you. Then another feeling came to me whenever I looked at you. I felt secure by your presence. I felt appreciated with the words you said. I felt special when you were around. I felt alive. You seemed to be the kind of person that I wanted to be with. It was a warm sensation I got inside me that made me think of possibilities. The possibility that one day, someday, we’ll be together. Then, that one day, that someday, came. I didn’t know how. I didn’t know why.

When we talked about meeting up at the mall after my morning class, I was so hesitant and eager to meet you. To see and to talk to you again. To catch up on things. I wondered if you’re still the same guy I knew before. I wondered if what will you say about me after I left you without saying goodbye at our junior year. I wondered why you did really came. Then, at the end of the day, we ended up holding hands. We also hugged each other so tight. That was the first time I hugged someone so tight for so long. So I concluded, we met for a reason that we want to be together.

We met again a few times at the mall. I was so happy because we started dating. Officially. You’re the first guy I dated. I was so happy because I’m doing new things with someone. I was so happy because I felt those feelings I never felt before. I was so happy because I was with you again. I was happy because it was you.

First kiss. The day when I said “yes”. Yes for you to be my boyfriend. I wasn’t really thinking about it that night. I wasn’t even expecting for anything that can happen to me. And to you. I didn’t really thought about the possibilities that could happen if I will answer you that word. That word that will unlock new experiences ahead of us.

A school event that we spent outside my school. Literally outside because I wanted to be with you alone instead of us to blend in with the crowd. I was only thinking that I want to be with you and nobody else. I even disregarded my friends for that night. Sorry guys. We stayed at the park. We looked at the stars. I was beside you and you were beside me. Laying my head on your shoulder that you needed to slouch a little more so that I can reach your shoulder. I was so lucky that night. I was so lucky that I was holding your hand. I felt so much better because were together again. We even kissed for a long time without thinking about the few people there. I know it shouldn’t really matter because as long as were together, we can do anything. I liked it. When you let me sit at your lap. I loved it. That time you held my face when we kissed, it felt so good that I couldn’t resist it. Tingles over my body came and all I could think about is I hope we still have more time. I hoped we can just do this for one whole day because I felt really loved. I hoped you felt it too because that’s when I realized that I really love you.

Innocent love is what I can describe our relationship at that time. I wasn’t even thinking that I will let you kiss me and me to kiss you. Since we started kissing, you began to ask me if you can go a little more. A little more that I wasn’t expecting that you’ll ask. I wasn’t mad at first. I was surprised because what’s with going a little more besides kissing? I haven’t thought about taking things to the next level. But I let you. I gave you the permission to go to where you want.

Daring. A word that made me conclude myself since that day. So it was true about what I was asking myself that once I allowed you to go to the next level, another level will come and yes we did passed that level. The last level that I wasn’t really thinking of keeping for myself for the one. The one that I still don’t know who could really be even though I’m with you. Another dumb excuse of mine, I wasn’t thinking too much about it. It wasn’t really in my expectations for us to be like this. Why did things became like these? Why did we became like these? Whenever we meet, were doing something really different. What happened to the mall? What happened to visiting me at my house? I guess we became bored with it. Bored with it too fast that we did something outrageous and so out of the box. Experiences that can lead to danger. One reason could be, were official. We can do whatever we want for ourselves. Another reason is, you want it, I want it too. Let’s say, we have the right to spend our time together in that way.

I adore every second during those times, but then, we went all the way. We went all the way twice. I let you in. I gave in too easy. I wasn’t even thinking about what can possibly happen but to just let you in! I really missed the feeling when we did it for the first time. The first time that I said that would be our last. But no. I trusted you so much. I don’t know what I may look like to you. Did I looked desperate? Were you desperate? Did you really want it? Did I want it back? Were we under pressure? I believe we have a rule that if you want it, I want it. If it’s okay to you, it’s aIso okay with me. I still do trust you because I still love you. I still see you as the guy I met at junior high. But what I’m not sure if you still see me as the girl you met at junior high too. Because deep inside of me, I don’t know me anymore. I don’t know why I am becoming like this. I don’t want to blame you for this because you’re the one I’m with. There really is a blame for you but I don’t want it to be put on you because it’s me who’s no functioning well. I don’t think too much before doing things that I always end up thinking too much “after” I do things.

The famous line “It’s not you, it’s me” is the things that I can think of every now and then. The blame’s on me because I didn’t think well enough especially when I needed to. I really need to think well because my decision will also reflect on you. I am a careless person. I was selfish. I have a lack of guilt that made me think that I can do it. That I can do everything and anything without you. But what I always forget is that guilt can be hidden but the result of that deed will not be. I guess I’ll end it by saying that I still do love you. I love you for who you are and I know that you love me for who I am. But I am not sure if who I really am. So, how can I know who you love if the one you love is lost. TC mark

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