A Friendly PSA: Don’t Drink And Text

Drinking and texting is difficult to avoid if you’re the sort of person whose thumbs turn into disloyal deviants while the logical part of your brain is distracted by tequila.

There is a very specific kind of shame that washes over you the morning after sending inebriated messages and you must face the music and decide what your next step will be. Options are limited to apology-texting or ignoring. I am partial to ignoring. I am also partial to deleting the conversation before falling into my drunken slumber. I highly recommend this because it means waking up uncertain of exactly how embarrassing the texts were. I can assure you that in such situations, ignorance truly is bliss.

A drunk text can change the way a person feels about you. Someone who thought you were cute and quirky might realize that you’re actually a bit psycho and shouldn’t be trusted with a cellular phone.

On the other hand, drunk texting is a foolproof way to gage how compatible you are with a person. A pleasant response to a drunk text means you’re in the clear. An enthusiastic response means you’re golden and this person will probably marry you one day. No response is the worst-case scenario after which you should delete their number and commit to ignoring them for the rest of your life.

There are different types of drunk texting, some more embarrassing than others.

The misspelled booty call is the most common among avid drunk texters. You convince yourself it’s a bad idea until the 70th jaegerbomb, which sadly goes down long past the appropriate texting window. Everyone knows what you actually mean when you send a casual “hey what’s up” past 2am. However, embarrassment from this sort of drunk text occurs only if they don’t respond. Or if they are sober when they receive it.

There’s the desperation drunk text. If I find myself in the presence of happy couples, particularly if I’m a third, fifth or seventh wheel, it will put me in desperate search of a man’s attention. This will often lead to a melodramatic drunk text in which I shamelessly take advantage of weird clichés. These texts are oftentimes sent to men who have no desire to touch me ever again, or who never wanted to touch me in the first place.

Angry drunk texts are perhaps the messiest. “DON’T EVER TEXT ME AGAIN” is a useless thing to say to someone because you don’t mean it, you just want attention. You know it, and they know it too. “SEE YA NEVER” has a similarly immature effect. Texts like these make you look terrifying and psychotic.

Confessions of love or like are also popular drunk text themes. I cannot count the number of budding romances I’ve squashed with a casual “I had a reaaaallllyyyy no like SERIOULSY great time the other night please let’s do it again PLEASE” or the aggressive and perhaps most detrimental ‘I KNOW IT’S EARLY BUT I THINK I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU!!!” This is a bad in any context.

Drunk texting can happen at any point in the adventure and it is important to remind yourself that pride is clouded by alcohol. It may seem like a great idea amidst a backdrop of drunken shenanigans, but f you wouldn’t send that text on a sunny Tuesday morning, you shouldn’t send it with your beer goggles on. Take my advice and save your lover’s number in your phone as PUT YOUR PHONE AWAY AND ENJOY THE MOMENT before you pour your first glass of wine or you will curse your perverse thumbs in the morning.