This Is To The Person I Love, But Can’t Be With

image - Flickr / Carmen Jost
image – Flickr / Carmen Jost

I don’t know where to start with what I’m about to say. I don’t know if it’s a good idea that I’m doing this and I don’t know how much harm it will cause. I don’t know if this is right for me to do and I know this isn’t fair. So if you can’t handle what I’m going to say you’re more than welcome to not read any further, I’ll give you that escape from this because I’ve caused enough pain throughout the past couple months that you can cause the pain right back and never answer again. It wouldn’t be cruel and it wouldn’t be mean because it would be a reaction to the pain I’ve caused you.

I don’t know what you’re doing, I don’t know if you got a new job or what TV shows you watch now. I don’t know what your new suits look like that you undoubtedly bought more of, because you love to shop. I don’t know where your mind wanders off to as you play Candy Crush or what teams you want to win at every football game. I know the first game was this weekend because I saw it being covered on the news. I don’t know what time you set your alarm to wake up in the morning and I don’t know what time you take the train into the city, if you have to go into the city for work, that is. I don’t know what your family dinners are anymore and I don’t know what friends you hang out with, probably the same ones as always. I don’t know what your day consists of, I don’t know what people you come across and I don’t know how your family is doing. I don’t know if you changed the colors of the sheets in your room, if you still have your gym membership or if you still hate coffee. I don’t know if you’ve been sick in the past couple months—even just a common cold; I always knew. I don’t know when your next vacation will be, where will you go and if you will still be scared of flying there. I don’t know anything anymore. You could be a new person and I would have no idea.

Life is never black and white, we are always floating in infinite shades of gray and I think that it’s both a blessing and a curse that we have no answers for all of this madness.

I’m sorry if this ruined everything. I’m sorry if it was pointless. I’m sorry if you hate me more.

I haven’t talked to you in 3 months and I need you to clearly understand that lack of communication is not lack of love.

Things weren’t easy. Things didn’t end easily. Things still aren’t easy. I love you in every shade of gray that there is in the world, I just can’t be with you. TC mark

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