1. I don’t want to encourage men who choose non-face pictures as their first picture… but dammit I am intrigued. Why won’t you immediately show me who you are? If you are hideously ugly and hide it, then I really want to see. Well, alright, here you are on the fifth one and you aren’t even that awful. Disappointed, swipes left.
2. And yet so many men—who correctly post a clear picture of their face, and not a group picture—are quickly judged and passed over if they don’t immediately get my pulse racing. It’s a broken system that I am reinforcing here.
3. Related: Why is the Tinder-er in question never the cutest guy from the group pic?
4. “Swipe left if you (quote Marilyn Monroe/love drama/bathroom selfies)” Well, fuck you, Mr. Controlling! Now I’m mad because I am swiping left just as you requested and I don’t even take bathroom selfies!
5. So many of these guys mention not having a tiger in their short profile. What’s the deal with the tiger? Is this an Exxon promotion?
6. Too many children who don’t belong to the Tinder-er are featured. If you have to explain that such and such picture is not someone you have fathered, maybe it isn’t a helpful benchmark for me to decide if I shallowly like you.
7. I decided to up my potential age range since I’ve had a birthday within the six-month hiatus from this ridiculous time-waster. This may or may not prove to be a good idea. I would totally go out with a 40 year old man if he were great, right?
8. Sometimes one unflattering picture will negate six cute ones. I immediately think that is probably how they really look and the others were just beautiful photographic accidents.
9. I’m hungry. Also I have so much salmon in the freezer. Can I wait to let a fillet thaw? Do I have anything to marinade it with?
10. What even goes into a salmon marinade? If I don’t want to pop out for soy sauce, there is no way I’d leave my lovely A/C’d apartment for a Tinder rendezvous. These guys messaging me to meet up are suckers!
11. Why is this guy mentioning his eye/hair color in his profile? There is a picture of him right above it. I can see that he has green eyes and blonde hair …and also that it really doesn’t help his face.
12. Tinder is so diverse! Maybe it’s because it’s NYC though. I just swiped right on a 6 dudes who could be a whole Benetton ad campaign.
13. Why does this man have an actual selfie of him in a fighter jet?! Not safe! People who need to take selfies in their fighter jet should not be flying fighter jets! Swipes left!
14. Age range adjustment is paying off! This forty-year old man has sexy tousled hair and seems to spend a great deal of time in vineyards. I’ll bet he has some brilliant salmon marinade recipes. Swipes right.
15. “Keep the drama to a minimum” means, “my last girlfriend was crazy because I am attracted to crazy girls and I probably will twist everything you say and do into a gas lighting experience until you too are crazy so that we can break up and go back onto Tinder.” Swipes left.
16. So far my messages asking for a good salmon marinade recipe has resulted in two Tinder-ers assuming that I meant it in a sexual way. It seems that they want to “be marinated?” Ugh, what would that even mean?
17. I am not attracted to this guy… but here he is in his uniform, and I have always longed to do a NYPD ride along! Swipes right.
18. I think I’ve seen this guy on the 1 train before. The sad thing is—if there wasn’t this stupid app for online dating, we could have perhaps met on the actual train and in person, the old fashioned way…except not this guy because I don’t find him attractive. Swipes left.