Letters To A Friend, With Benefits

Dear friend, 

Where did you go when I needed you the most? When I needed you to comfort me and talk to me like we use to. When I needed you to make me smile, not cry. Did the boy I use to know disappear when we kissed? Was it the lingering of our lips that made the moments we laughed together disappear? Or was it the moment our bodies met, and we had crossed that boundary into unknown territory? Was it cause we had broken the bond between friends and now somewhere lay between friends and lovers? Well you took my

Hand pulling me forward, making me feel safe, and that this would all be ok. That I could give myself to you more than I had. I could give you my heart. I believed you would take it and protect me but little did I know I needed protection from

You…

Where were you when I needed you as a friend?

Signed,

Your friend

***

Dear friend,

I remember the first day we met like it was yesterday: the school bus was overflowing with kids and noise, children were shouting, laughing, and pulling each other close to tell each other their secrets, and then there was you and me. Little did we know that seven years later we would have told each other our own secrets that just poured out of our souls to one another in the form of dreams, fears, and the love we wanted. I was your vault, the one you could confide in, and leave a part of you with no fear of it ever getting out. And you…

You were my first guy friend. You introduced me to a world where talking, sharing laughs, and secret smiles with a boy didn’t have to involve any romance. Later you would also show me that kisses, lips touching my neck and grazing my body, and bodies intertwined with each other didn’t have to involve any romance either. But you didn’t know that one’s heart could be involved, did you?

Signed,

Your friend

***

Dear friend,

Remember that time we were both in my apt. and we were sitting on my bed looking for another movie to watch? My fingers stumbling over one another on the keyboard as I searched for a movie, while you sat beside me. The warmth from your presence right next to me, as you sipped your fourth beer, and put it next to the beer I had just finished. As I hit the space bar, I could feel the space between us disappear, and soon your lips were on mine. You kissed me. The kiss was sweet, gentle, and comforting. It pulled me out of the darkness I had fallen into after I had just broken up with someone. Your lips made me feel safe, and believe that a kiss would never change despite heartache. It was a nice kiss that made me realize that I had been longing to kiss you… All this time I longed for you.

Signed,

Your friend

***

Dear friend,

Just as fast as my fingers had pressed on the space bar and the space between us vanished, that safe trust of friendship I had built in you was gone. It had happened that night… That night at the club where the lights were flashing, and darkness had enveloped the whole crowd we were dancing. But we weren’t alone, the lights flashing above us, the music booming through the room, and our friends by our side. You were dancing with another girl, your back turned to me as if shutting me out of your world. The physical boundary we had both crossed, had somehow left our friendship in a daze. And in a daze I was, I could feel the buzz in my head making the room sway. Too be honest I was just buzzed, but why did I feel like throwing up? It was you. You had crossed the border between our friendship and the unknown. Yet you who crossed first, left me stranded on the other side by myself. And that night you knew something was wrong, as you ignored me and avoided eye contact. But you didn’t call the next day to ask if I was ok…

But that was the time I needed you as a friend, where were you?

Signed,

Your friend

***

Dear friend,

The courage I had to muster to ask you the question that I had been constantly asking myself after that night, where were you as a friend? had taken a lot out of me. You had said sorry, realizing that you had abandoned the very foundation that everything we had done together was found on, friendship, was gone. But even that little word sorry could not save me, save us, or who we use to be. I was far gone on the other side, still by myself.

Signed,

Your friend

***

Dear friend,

I met someone. I know it’s cliché to start a letter off with those words but I wanted you to know… He, just like you is a friend, but unlike you he actually respects me and if he were to take my hand and guide me to the unknown he wouldn’t let go. I’ve told him about you. Like you were something I needed to set free, and allow myself to move on. Allow myself to know that there’s better, better than you out there, but part of me still lingers on you. The way your arms wrap around me making me feel safe, enveloping me in your warmth. The way you conquered your fears, and grew up from the thirteen-year old boy I knew. Boy! Did you grow up so much from the little boy you use to be. You no longer stumble over yourself, but instead you’ve grown more comfortable in your own skin. You tell me the secrets you keep close to your heart, that you dare tell no one. Always you confide in me, trusting me, and keeping me close. But despite being close to you, I’ve been drifting away from you…You who made me so comfortable in my own skin. The one boy who stripped my defenses-one by one, and let me feel so safe in such embarrassing and vulnerable moments. You never once made me feel vulnerable as our lips met and our bodies touched, but when we separated the vulnerability that was absent suddenly appeared. I suddenly felt sacred, alone, and naked with all my wounds and scars for the world to see visible. But it was this vulnerability you gave me that made me learn no much. You made me embrace who I am, all the parts of myself. Because of you I realized how much worth I am, and if there’s anything that you and the someone I’ve met have both taught me is that I will meet someone. It may not be this new person, but it’s going to be someone who is going to be vulnerable beside me. Together we’ll bear each other’s hearts, embrace each other’s scars, and talk about our wounds. I won’t have to fear crossing to the other side and being alone because I won’t be, not again.

Signed,

Your friend