1. “I’m fine.”
In all of the English language, there can’t be anything less true than “I’m fine.” If your inner monologue could be represented by an emoji, it would probably be the crying buckets emoji. This applies tenfold if you’re saying it to a significant other after having a fight. You are so not fine, and you’re not fooling anyone. Let’s just agree to ban those two words from our vocabulary altogether and we’ll all be better off.
2. “I’m too full for dessert.”
Usually, you’re saying this while side-eyeing the cheesecake that just got delivered to the table next to you. You are definitely not too full for dessert – in fact, you could probably polish off an entire sleeve of Oreos if you were home at your apartment. But of course you don’t want to be the first one to suggest ordering dessert, so you wistfully say a mental goodbye to the chocolate mousse and claim a food coma. Life’s too short – order the dessert.
3. “You should definitely get that dress.”
Look, I know that we all say that we want our friends to be honest with us, but we also want our friends to tell us we look hot. It’s a catch-22, and when you’re in the friend role, you know this. It’s almost like you go on autopilot in the dressing room, robotically nodding your head and telling your bestie that she just NEEDS that fur vest. Really? Does she really need it?
4. “I’m leaving right now!”
You know the drill. You text this phrase from your bed where you’re currently laying without any pants on. Your hair’s still wet, and you’re casually flipping through Instagram. You are nowhere near ready, and you are certainly not leaving anytime soon. (Phase two of this text will be the “around the corner” follow-up as you’re leaving your apartment.) Maybe we should try this groundbreaking thing called being on time. Or at least be honest about your ETA.
5. “He’s probably just busy- I’m sure he’ll text you.”
At the risk of sounding like Justin Long’s character from “He’s Just Not That Into You,” this one bears emphasis. Why do we do this to each other? I know we are just trying to be nice friends, but it doesn’t do anyone any good to build up false hope for no reason. When a guy seems like he’s ghosting, he’s ghosting. End of story. Maybe instead of this Charlotte York nonsense, we should encourage one another to move on, and quickly. A good rule of thumb when it comes to giving dating advice: when in doubt, be a Miranda.
6. “Dance all night, sleep all day!”
Let’s be honest. You did not stay out all night. In fact, you went home early so you could put on sweatpants, throw your hair up in a messy bun, take out your contacts, and drunk-eat pizza on your couch. And you are not sleeping in either, because your cat’s going to paw your face at 5am for her Fancy Feast.
7. “Let’s totally grab coffee soon!”
It’s the easy thing to say when ending a conversation with someone you haven’t seen in a while. But it’s the kind of thing that both parties know isn’t true. There’s probably a statistic somewhere that tells us the ratio of how many times this is said versus how many times it actually happens, and I bet the numbers are slim. Maybe we can replace this sad little lie with “it was so good to see you,” or something equally benign.
8. “Sorry, just saw this text/email/snapchat/carrier pigeon.”
Your phone is probably by your side all the time, even when you’re in the bathroom, so no, it didn’t take you 7 hours to “see” a text. This lie is so pathetic that when you say this to someone, you are really saying, “Sorry, I didn’t want to respond to this at any point in the past 7 hours and I don’t have the balls to actually tell you that, so I’m making up some BS about not looking at my phone for the length of two ‘Lord of the Rings’ movies.” It’s almost more insulting than not responding at all.
9. “I’ll have my sh*t together by the time I’m ____.”
Perhaps the biggest lie of all is the most common one we tell ourselves. It’s easy to look ahead to landmark ages (read: any age ending in “0” or “5”) and think that we’ll be an “adult” by then. But what if life is just one big series of this train of thought? What if we are always looking ahead, delaying commitments and big choices because we only think that we’re not ready? Maybe the idea of having our life together is just that – an idea. And maybe we already do have our lives together, so much more than we thought we did.