This Is How I Will Let It Be

Noël Alva
Noël Alva

I always turn back to you
I mull you over in my mind
The idea of you, the memory of you,
Your scent, your smirk,
Your freckles adorning your nose and cheeks
Like rain hitting the dust for the first time in months.

Consistently but infrequently,
Recollections burning my amygdala
Not in a quick, hot, sharp flash
But in a slow burning of coals never dying out.

I can’t call you or see you or talk to you
But when I hear your voice across the bleachers
I have to force myself not to turn my head Because I am reminded that your voice
Still sounds
Like the rain on my window as I lie in bed
On a Sunday morning with the blinds closed.

And it never fails to bring me back
To all the places I’d been pretending not to miss.
To your hazel eyes and your
Perpetually, purposefully offcenter tie
I gave you that you know bothers me.
To the laugh that is harsh
But lifts my spirits
To your unbrushed curls my fingers gravitate to

You’re this straight shot of bourbon
(Which is strange because I hate bourbon)
(And you’ll never get this analogy Because alcohol’s not your thing)
Unexpectedly sweet but burning my throat
Warming me
As you travel closer and closer to my center.

It’s amazing how fresh the wounds feel,
For my pain is the ocean
With its frigid embrace
Casting foam-spotted gazes
That draw me in and pull me back
Testing, gentle at first
With a capability of being dishearteningly rough.

Your memory is a torrential downpour
Softly encompassing my shoulders
Until I look down and realize
You have overtaken me,
Drenching my hair
Dripping off my nose
Adhering my shirt to every curve of my body,
Claiming me

And suddenly the surge of the ocean
Goes over my head
And I transiently lose myself in the memories

For back then,
Back in that place
Where we were invincible
Where it didn’t matter
What tomorrow brought
Because our words could fight off
Any storm
Any enemies
Any threat.

I stand in the fog with memories whirling
And I love you.

Why. I tear myself up,
Wondering
If I could have saved you, saved me
From this pain.
If I had never loved you,
I wouldn’t embrace anyone else
And close my eyes and cringe
Because my instinctive, ingrained initial thought is you.

And I go to bed at night
And scream in frustration
Because I don’t want this,
I don’t want you,
I don’t want to doubt
My sincerity to anyone else I choose.
Damn you.

It is my reality now,
No, not my reality,
But something stuffed into my
Subconscious.
That you’re in my blood,
In my nerves,
In my bones.
And I can’t go back to the past
But I can take facts and trust them.

I always did that best, didn’t I?

So here is my fact:
While neither of us agree,
I know we can never be.
I cannot regret what has happened
So I won’t detest the beautiful memories
But I will let you be.

I am no longer yours.
You are no longer mine.
I will pick up my pieces and give them away.
It has been over a year
Amore mio.
Help me let it be. TC mark

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