There are two points in your life that are going to be absolutely incredible.
The first one is when you’re genuinely single. I’m not talking about the type of single in which you’re still casually dating but not serious because you’re just swiping right to see what happens.
I’m talking about the phase in your life when you’re 110% single. You don’t need anybody; you enjoy your own sweet solitude more than the company of others. You appreciate yourself. You love who you’re becoming and the journey that’s unfolding before you. Dating is at the bottom of your list; in fact, you can’t even recall the last time you looked twice at another person.
That type of single.
The second incredible moment in your life that will ultimately become one of the greatest moments ever is when you do finally meet the one. That’s a story for another time, though.
Today, I want to give three powerful pieces of advice for the single people out there.
1. Enjoy every single moment of singleness.
I loved the idea of having a boyfriend. I loved the idea of being married even more. From a young age, I dreamed about the day that I finally would meet “the one,” and he would propose to me, and we’d live happily ever after.
So, I dated nonstop in the hopes of finding “the one.” At one point, I even dated two people at the same time because I wasn’t sure of which one to let go. I had specific criteria that I needed my partners to meet, and the moment they lacked a certain trait, it was time to move on.
The sad thing is, I didn’t know what I wanted because I didn’t truly know myself. I had a vague idea of the person I’d like to spend time with, and every single person I would meet would end up disappointing me one way or another.
I took a dating hiatus after getting out of an emotionally abusive relationship. I was single for a while, and it was one of the best things that ever happened to me.
Things really happened for me throughout that time. I started taking better care of myself.I started treating myself with the respect I deserved. I discovered my taste in music, which prior to that would be whatever my current partner liked to listen to.
I watched old movies, the kind where Audrey Hepburn was the star. The type that my old boyfriends called trash. I dressed the way I wanted to dress. Every decision I made was one that I wanted to make, not one that was sent for approval to someone who didn’t really care about me.
I moved to California, and I remember thinking, “I’m living my best life” during my drive. Everything I had done in those last two years was because of me and my choices. Everything I was doing was because of me and what I wanted to do.
I thrived. I was so happy, and for the first time in my life, I felt like I was finally living for myself.
Enjoy every single moment of singleness in your life. I understand what it’s like to want to be settled down. I craved stability, a family, and a partner who adored me. However, all of that comes your way when the time is right. Constantly seeking it out will only get you in the wrong relationships.
Instead, focus on you. Learn about yourself, what you like and what you don’t like. If nobody was there to ask you to turn on a song, what would you listen to? If nobody was there to turn on a movie, what would you watch?
If nobody was there to state their opinion on your life choices, would you choose those same decisions? Or would you choose differently?
Being single is a phase in life that should never be looked down upon. It’s your time to thrive. It’s your time to fall madly in love with yourself. Enjoy it.
“To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” — Oscar Wilde.
2. The right person will come when you least expect it.
It sounds corny, but the right person for you will come when you least expect it.
In fact, they’ll show up when you’re thriving in your single life.
I met my partner when I first moved to California; he was actually just a guy I met through social media. He was handsome, brilliant, and fun to be around, but neither one of us was looking for anything serious — or casual, for that matter.
We were friends. We went to the gym together, he introduced me to his friends since I knew absolutely nobody in Los Angeles, and slowly but surely, it felt like the universe was pushing us together.
When you’re not constantly thinking about being in a relationship and finding “the one,” things start to happen more organically. You fall for someone you’d normally not look twice at, or you go out for coffee with a friend who ends up turning into something more.
I’ve always been someone who believed that life has a plan for each and every one of us and rushing it will only cause stress and anxiety. Let life unfold its plans for your love life according to its own timetable.
A lot of people end up settling for less because they’re so scared of being alone. The key is to live your life to the fullest, enjoy every moment of it, envelop yourself in your passions and hobbies; love will find you without your help.
“Every woman in her late 20s goes through a period where she just doesn’t believe love is out there anymore, but it is. And I think the minute you stop looking for it is when it comes for you.” — Kristen Bell.
3. Work on being the best possible you.
Can you imagine the right person coming along, and they have all their shit together, and they’re happy, successful, etc. — meanwhile, you can’t even keep a job?
I have this friend—we’ll call her Kim. Kim has always wanted to be loved. She dated a guy for five years, only to later find out he’s actually gay. Then, a few months later, she jumped into another relationship. Unfortunately, that didn’t pan out either because he turned out to be an alcoholic.
She was frustrated. She downloaded several dating apps and just kept searching and trying. “What are you looking for?” I asked her one day.
“Someone who has his shit together. Someone who will treat me like a queen and take me out, buy me things, love me, and be with me.”
Kim ended up going out with one of my partner’s closest friends. I had high hopes for them—he was such a great guy, and he really had his shit together. A part of me hoped he would overlook the fact that she was incredibly lost and incapable of being alone.
It didn’t work out, and when I asked him why, he told me, “She doesn’t have her life together. I have a steady job; I’m buying a house, I have goals and ambitions. She has ideas of what she wants. I can’t be with someone who isn’t on the same, or at the least close to the same, level as me.”
The likelihood of someone who has their life together settling down with someone who doesn’t have their life together is slim.
Instead of seeking the best possible partner out there, you need to focus on becoming the best possible version of yourself. Work on your goals. Do you know what you want to do with your life?
Work on your ambitions. Have you started that YouTube channel you always wanted to?
Figure out what makes you happy; when is the last time you went to see the sunset despite it being one of your favorite things in the world?
Identify what you need from a partner and what you’re able to give to them in return. Every single relationship I’ve been in, outside of my current one, was a mess because I had zero knowledge as to what I wanted or what I could offer my partners.
Work on yourself. You have so much potential; utilize it before trying to intertwine your life with another person’s life.
“He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened.” — Lao Tzu.
Being single is a gift. Being in a relationship is a gift. However, you can’t move on to the next level if you don’t master the one you’re currently on.
Instead of always focusing on the bad sides of being single, focus on the positives. This is your opportunity to live the way you want to live; it’s your chance to figure out who you are and what you truly want from life.
I’m not saying you should never leave the comforts of your home and expect love to magically knock on your door one day (although that would be nice). I’m saying that you have to take advantage of being single.
It takes effort to cultivate love, but it should never be something you’re actively seeking. Love will sneak up on you when you least expect it to, and the only thing you can do now is to enjoy your life, love yourself, and embrace the unexpected.