I’ve had the pleasure of seeing you at your finest moments with your friends as your celebrate a 21st birthday or a fantastic touchdowns, and I’ve been there in you’re not so fabulous moments around 2am, when the alcohol had made your eyes droop and you’re making out with the girl/guy that you just met. I’m not one to discourage a good time, but as in case you were wondering what those of us behind the bar are thinking, here’s a few of the things on our mind.
1) One of the reasons I love my job is because I’m sober enough to make fun of all you lovely, drunk people, especially the really sloppy ones. We’ll help you out, give you water, call you a cab home and be nice, but we’re also laughing our butts off at you.
2) I don’t like you if you don’t tip, if you don’t have money to tip, please stay home and drink there. I have to pay rent, too.
3) Whenever you girls ask for “something fruity” I want to slap you, however, I refrain from slapping you and instead proceed to mix my go-to expensive, low alcohol content drink and give it a snazzy name. Seriously, use that fancy smart phone of yours to Google a drink, five seconds off of Facebook won’t kill you.
3) Referring back to the previous confession, please, please don’t make me decide for you, especially when we’re busy, or once again you’ll get a low alcohol content, expensive drink. I’m a bartender, not a member of the alcohol advisory committee.
4) what’s my favorite drink? Gosh I’m so glad you asked, flirty college guy, it’s definitely, the most expensive, easiest to make drink with low alcohol content. Isn’t it obvious?!
5) If you ask me the same question twenty times, I won’t be annoyed, not at all. Especially not when we’re really busy. And, no, sweetie, I didn’t find your phone, and I don’t know where it is. I also haven’t seen your boyfriend, but you’ll probably have better luck with the phone. And the bathroom? It’s that way.
6) To all you underage kids, I dare you try to buy a drink one more time with those X’s or half-washed X’s on your hand! Seriously, try it, just see what happens! My advice? Don’t try to grow up too fast, enjoy your healthy liver, and if you must buy alcohol, go overseas where you’re of legal age!
7 ) Guys, when you try to get my number, I’m not amused or interested, but if you’re insistent or offering monetary incentives I’ll give you a number, it just won’t be mine.
8) Sometimes we mess up your drinks or don’t have what you want, but we don’t tell you, because you’re either too drunk to notice or you didn’t know what it was supposed to taste like anyways, (you might know the names but do you know what’s in it?)
9) Just because I don’t shower every school day and I look like a bum doesn’t mean I can’t clean up nice enough to be a bar-tending, thanks for judging me, lab-group.
10) I’m so entertained by those guys who tried so hard to get my number and get me to do shots with them on Saturday then sit next to me in the library on Monday and gives that looks of “you need a shower”. Yea, I know but I’ve been working all weekend and I’m not trying to impress anyone while I study Physics.
11) Just because we work at a bar, doesn’t mean we’re not brilliant. In fact, most of the bartenders and workers here have degrees ranging from business and accounting to engineering and nursing, we just choose to work here cause it pays way more than a grown up job.
12) To the girl in the row in front of me in class, you’re question wasn’t stupid, it’d just that I know what you did on Friday night and I saw you and your friends on that stage, so it’s hard to contain my laughter.