31 Ways To Say No To Sex

Sexual intercourse is a beautiful and natural physical activity to express love for your significant other. Or lust for a random person you met while in a semi-intoxicated state a creepy nightclub in downtown Toronto. However, if you happen to be attachment barbie and become “Miss-Please-Marry-Me” after one sexual/romantic encounter instead of “Miss-Super-Chill-And-Easygoing” or just need advice on how to politely reject the old creepy men who hit on you, I have developed thirty one things to do or say that will get you out of ANY potential sexual encounter.
Shutterstock
Shutterstock

HERE WE GO! I am PUMPED to say no to sex!

1. “No, thanks. I prefer prehensile penises.”

2. “I queef while my vagina is being probed.”

3. “I defecate AND urinate during penetration.”

4. “I’m thirteen..” *pull out mobile device and enact the dialing of 911*

5. *Cry hysterically and make odd noises*

6. “Sorry, I have an orthodontist appointment.” *chomp teeth*

7. “My vagina has teeth.”

8. “I’m allergic to foreskin.”

9. “I have a boyfriend… Just kidding, I’m a lesbian. Just kidding, I’m heterosexual. Just kidding, I’m transgender-ed. Wait. WHO AM I?!”

10. “I have a rape fetish. I scream “rape” during penetration.”

11. “There is a tail growing out of my vagina. It’s been there for four years.”

13. “I ate two cans of beans for breakfast… And prunes for dessert last night.”

14. “Will you marry me…? Please? Please…?! PLEASE?!”

15. “I’m celibate.. and I have vaginosis. Google that.”

16. “Acne has infested my vagina.”

17.  “My armpit and vagina were switched while I was in the uterus.”

18. “My heart stops when I orgasm… Just like that girl in the novel Like Water For Chocolate.” 

19. “Sorry.. I just ran out of birth control pills and I’m allergic to latex.”

20. “Amanda Bynes is my spirit animal.”

21. “I’m circumcised…”

22. “I’m waiting for my children to be birthed.”

23. “I’m drowning in menstrual blood. HELP!”

24. “I’m suffering from vaginal prolapse. Yes… I’m THAT girl.”

25. “I have the clap” *obnoxiously clap hands until he leaves* 

26. “Let me ask my Mom first… Sometimes she says yes.”

27. “Sorry. I like my eggs unfertilized. I’m allergic to birth control.”

28. “Scissor. Scissor. Scissors!”

29. “I have uterus didelphys.”

30. “I have IBS.”

31. *Wet your pants*

So there you go. Thirty one ways to say no to sexual intercourse. You’re welcome. TC mark

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