FunnyMoney

Ubering To The Hospital And Other Hips Ways For Millennials To Save Money

Spring has officially sprung, and new beginnings are upon us. The Joel Osteen sermons are back in our YouTube recommended sections, the flowers are in bloom, and it is time for all of us hip, young people to turn over a new leaf. (winking emoticon)

All these changes we yearn for are possible, but it must start at the hearth. And by “hearth”, I mean, “bank account.” The first thing we must do to turn our lives around is to get our spending under control. No more spending money on the frivolous things we young people like, like avocado toast and medicine.

Now, I know it is hard for people to save money in the much-maligned gig economy, so I have written this article to help. Whether you are a barista at Starbucks or work an unpaid internship at a coconut water sex toy start-up, this list will help you rein in your spending so you can grab the reins of your life. (winking emoticon)

Presenting! Ways for Young People to Save Money

Way 1: Hurt? Uber to the hospital

I am not the heiress of a diamond-mine magnate, nor am I the deeply problematic Sultan of Brunei. So, like many young Americans, I opt not to have healthcare. Yes, this decision saves me many hundreds of dollars a month. And yes, it comes with a gnawing, ever present fear of even the slightest bodily injury. A bodily injury to me — a twisted ankle, a crushed pelvis — would cripple me financially. I, like many a Brooklyn-dwelling 20-something, ride a bike. And, since I would sooner get shot in the face at point blank range than stop riding my bike with Ira Glass blasting in my ears, I choose to keep pedaling even with omnipresent health risk.

This risk came home to roost the other week for me. Distracted by a story about Brexiteers playing in my ears, my front tire went into a pothole and launched me over my handle bars. I didn’t sustain many bodily injuries because, luckily, my face absorbed much of the asphalt’s blow.

Dazed and bleeding from the impact, I had to make a quick financial decision, I did not have the money to pay for a $500 ambulance, and I was starting to experience serious concussion-like symptoms (blurred vision, questioning the usefulness of the European Union), so I did what all of you should do in a situation where you are seriously injured — I called an Uber. It was only $30, and while I did get a bad rating for “getting blood all over the back seat,” I also saved $470.

Okay, next topic — I start to get debilitating headaches if I focus on one thing for too long. Lol!

Way 2: Don’t pay for streaming services when YouTube videos are free

It’s unavoidable. People at parties are going to ask you if you are watching Pen15 or the new season of Game of Thrones. And, while you might be missing out on the solo cup convo, can you really put a price on the superiority that comes with interjecting into the conversation with, “Yeah, I don’t really watch TV”? Here is a hint: you can’t. Not only will you save money, but you will also increase the respect of your peers, who, let’s be honest, are sheep. Be sure to call them that too when they say they “like The Office.”

“Netflix and chill”? More like, “YouTube and expand your mind.” Sure, Hulu has all 13 seasons of Family Guy, but it does not have the 3-hour, homemade expose video on what really happened at the chemical factory that exploded in Tianjin China in 2015? Didn’t think so. While your hapless friends are spending their hard earned money to slurp up the slop from the communal content trough, you, a money-saving, knowledge-seeking, keyboard warrior, are opening up your third eye to countless to the pearls of wisdom contained within hours of Alex Jones rants. And the best part? It’s all for the low, low, cost of Free 99. Haha.

Okay, onto my final money tip for the modern millennial.

Way 3: Truly broke? Sell your blood

Did you spend all your money this month on rent and food? Well not to worry, you can always sell your blood.

Now, I say “sell” your blood instead of “donate” your blood because it is not a donation if you get a whole $20 for it. I recently fell behind on a credit card bill (I had used it, stupidly, to pay for my father’s medical bills) and the person on the line at Discover suggested this helpful tip: “If you can’t pay your bill, just sell your blood.” Now, putting aside the fact that this sounds like the advice that a medieval inbred boy king would give to his subjects in order to pay the crown, it is also a practical way to make an extra $200 a month.

Yes, that does mean I donate blood 10 times a month. I go around to different clinics in New York to donate as much as I can. A word to the wise, though: they will test your iron levels to make sure you are healthy enough to donate blood. Something I do to increase my iron is to drink a lot of red wine. Red wine has a lot of iron in it, and it helps because getting drunk eases the soul-crushing realization that you are selling your blood to survive. Lol!

Anyway, that is all for now. I am starting to get dizzy and need to lie down. I hope this advice was helpful and you all have a prosperous tale-end of your youth. Gtg! Ttys! TC mark

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