Baby, I’m Not Like the Other Guys, I Don’t Report Any Of My Income to the Government

man wearing denim sport shirt and sunglasses on concrete flooring
James Marty / Unsplash

Hey baby, what are you drinking?

Haha, what?

Okay. Sorry, sorry. Let me start over.

Hey there, can I buy you a drink?

Oh… well, I can’t really get you that. I was thinking either Miller High Life or PBR…

PBR?

Great! So, what’s your name?

….Bathsheba?

Wow, that is a beautiful name. Is it from the Bible?

Wow, that’s pretty sexy.

So, what do you do for a living?

You expose hate groups for the Southern Poverty Law Center? That sounds… well, to be honest, I don’t know what that means. But it sounds good. Or cool. Or whatever.

Oops, spilled a little of my beer on you there.

What do I do for a living?

Well, that’s a little complicated. You see, I do a little bit of everything and a little bit of nothing at the same time. Sometimes I DJ at remote-control car convention, sometimes I cat-sit out on Staten Island. I guess you could say I’m a jack of all trades.

Wow, I see I’ve rendered you speechless.

Here is the great thing about me, baby.

Sorry, I won’t call you baby.

So, anyway, the great thing about me is I’m not like any of the other guys you’ve ever met, because I don’t report any of my income to the federal government. Not yearly. Not Quarterly. Not nothing.

I can see from your expression that you are confused by this. You see, I work only off the books and insist on being paid in cash.

Oh, in terms of letters that I get from the IRS?

Well, that’s the thing, I live out of my van. Here, let me show you the pictures.

Yeah, that’s plywood that I put on the walls for insulation and it gets plenty of sun due to the portal hole in the side.

Yeah, it’s hard to see.

Sorry the picture quality is so low. It’s these damn flip phones, you know?

Wow, you are really drinking that beer quick. Do you want another? I think I have some quarters…

Oh, you’re going? Okay, well, here, let me get your number.

No?

Ok, it was great to meet you. Let’s hug it out.

No?

Okay, a handshake then.

No?

Okay, have a great night. I need to go anyway, I double parked my house. TC mark

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