1. Tom Brokaw
Chances are you don’t actually want to have sex with Tom Brokaw. That being said, there is a little child in all of us that would love to get him alone in a room, hand cuff him to a bed, and force him to read us bedtime stories in that seductive, grandfatherly, Zeus-like voice of his.
2. Nancy Grace
Former prosecutor turned crime reporter Nancy Grace is a modern day Miss Marple with the vocal amplification of 20 Bose speakers, and the body of a testosterone filled Eastern European long jumper.
While she will likely abrasively accuse you of some type of criminal activity midway through intercourse, everyone secretly loves a woman who can take charge in the bedroom and whip you with a riding crop.
Plus, if things get boring, chances are she wouldn’t be opposed to spicing things up with a threesome involving a lesbian dominatrix.
3. Larry King
We’re all a little curious to find out exactly what this international man of mystery is hiding underneath his tailored blue button downs and sassy purple suspenders. Reptile scales? Pterodactyl wings? Withered, sun splotched skin? Or just really pointy shoulders?
4. Krystal Ball
The co-host of The Cycle is a young, informed, bombshell with the name of a half priced stripper. Need I say more?
5. Piers Morgan
Once you figure out why a British, former talent competition host is anchoring an American news program, you’ll happily be lulled into submission by his sultry, husky English accent any day of the week.
6. Diane Sawyer
World News anchor Diane Sawyer is without question the Mrs. Robinson of American broadcast journalism. This HBIC will tell you what to do, when to do it, and then interview you about the whole situation while lying in bed smoking Parliament Lights out of a cigarette holder. Sure, having sex with a 67-year-old who kind of reminds you of your mom may seem Oedipal, but rest assured that you’re in the smooth, supple, hands of an experienced professional.
7. Barbara Walters
This is less about sexual attraction and more about seeing if the creator of The View’s face is actually a mask made of grafted pigskin.
8. Anderson Cooper
No explanation necessary.