The worst thing about an almost relationship is the potential that could have been but never was. It leaves you aching for month’s even years after things have ended. It leaves you yearning, unjustifiably, for a future that will never exist with the other person. The aftermath of an almost relationship and the way you deal with it, can really have the power to shape who you are and how you view things.
The aftermath of my “almost relationship” left me psychologically addicted to another human being. For about 2 years after things originally ended, I spent a lot of time orchestrating these incredible false realities in my head. I knew that she was so beyond over me. I knew that she was never coming back. I knew that at some point her heart will be taken by someone else. So to mitigate those realities, I very carefully, would imagine myself in these magical dream like scenarios with her. What a terrible idea that was.
The thoughts varied. I would spend so much time thinking about being with her that I actually began to believe that this was something that could actually be achieved.
I need you to believe me when I tell you that I was totally convinced that she and I could make it if we really tried. I need you to believe me when I tell you that I was absolutely convinced that she was the one that I could spend my Friday nights with. I genuinely believed those things, and those beliefs shaped my actions.
Everything I did, I did it for her or with her in mind. For about 2 years I was constantly seeking the approval of another person who didn’t even give me the light of day. I spent less time with my parents and more time in my room. More time being quiet, and less time living my life and meeting new people. I was completely and totally incapable of making any attempts to lay my lips on another girl.
I was so unbelievably set on something so simple and innocent: Her and I, together. I lost valuable friends because of my pursuit for a future with a girl who replied to my snapchats with pictures of trashcans on the street corner. Those friendships cannot be saved, and the damage I’ve done is irreparable.
But fortunately time heals all things and I am better now.
If you ask me how I’ve been, I would tell you that I am doing fine because I actually am. I would tell you about how little of my thoughts are possessed by her. It’s not this constant weight that was bearing on my shoulders at all hours of the day. I can sleep less and not feel as tired, and I am more able to live in the present moment.
If you ask me how I’ve been, I would tell you about my new passions and what I’ve been doing to keep busy. I would tell you about my interest in government and politics and how I’m interning with a member of the United States Congress this fall. I would tell you about the kids that I teach and the smiles on their faces when they learn something new.
Almost relationships teach you a lot about yourself. They bring out a side of you that you thought never existed. They put you on the edge of sanity and insanity. It’s a wild roller coaster ride. A ride that everyone should try just one time, and never try again.