When I Saw You With Him

Everything was going so well.

I was busy doing my school work. I was preparing an interlinear response to several scenarios presented to me where the freedom of religion was at issue. But on a stupid break of concentration and failure to postpone gratification, I went on snapchat to see what people were up to. That was a big mistake. I should have popped an Adderall, I should have done something to prevent that break in concentration. I never wanted to see a snapchat story of you with someone else.

When I saw you with him my endocrine system kicked into overdrive. It began pouring adrenaline into my bloodstream. That caused the rate at which my heart beats to increase ten-fold. My pupils began to dilate as intrusive thoughts started to build in my mind.

It felt like that moment of panic when you almost run out of breath under water. Like the numb feeling you get in your legs when you almost get into a car accident. It literally felt like my heart was experiencing premature ventricular contractions.

Is he going to be the one that gets to look into your eyes across the dinner table while you’re sipping wine from the glass? Is he going to be the one that gets your consolement on his bad days? Is he going to be the one who gets to deal with your attitude on other days?

Am I supposed to be happy for you two when I was never satisfied with that we had? The amount of potential you and I shared was unfathomable. It’s even more annoying, because I can’t really have a problem with this. After all, you seemed happy with him. And I care for you. So I should want you to be happy.

I really can’t imagine that. You looking at him, the way you used to look at me. That’s literally gross. There are a lot of gross things on this earth. I think worms are gross, olives are gross. Even some cars, like the way they are designed, are gross. But this takes the cake. Your eyes are the most comforting and warm shade of brown, and the mesmerizing gaze you give off with them is going to be his. That is so annoying.

I don’t want to block my friends on Snapchat just because they associate with you. But ignorance is bliss and I can never forget that.

I should have been over it by now. But I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. The memory isn’t the problem. The problem is the way the memory makes me feel. My heart used to beat so fast for you, and it still does. It’s agonizing to see you. It pains me when we don’t speak, but it burns me when we do.

I wish a platonic friendship was something I could settle for. I wish I could be in a room with you and not think about laying my lips on yours. I wish my flames for you could be put out by the fire department down the street. It would kill me to text you about dragons and unicorns while you are texting him about what time he should come over.

I just hate how it feels like I have to move across the country to escape all of this. Happiness really does exists, but I just can’t know a thing. So the conversation where you officially tell me that you have found someone else is a conversation that I never want to happen. I have to stay away. We cannot talk.

I have to stay away.