1. Propose in public. What better way to share the most important, intimate decision of your life than with 30,000 drunk college basketball fans? When it comes to eternal promises, the more the merrier!
2. Post it on Facebook immediately. Make sure to post news of your engagement before you’ve told any of your loved ones. That way, the guy you hooked up with freshman year will find out you’re getting married before Gram Gram does. Also include cloying captions like, “Look what he got me for my birthday!” This is a marriage so please share the news just like you would a picture of your Sunday bagels and lox.
3. Talk about it all the time. Start most sentences with “For our wedding…” Don’t flinch when everyone stops listening on day five–keep talking dates, locations, colors, and vendors. No one knows how a wedding works, so explain it to them every time, for multiple hours, preferably while you are trying to work.
4. Send an E-Vite. The invitation to your most special of days should definitely be wedged in our inboxes between an eyebrow waxing Groupon and penis enlargement ads. Please have this union of two souls marked with an animated cat .gif. If you can throw in some memes that will be outdated in two weeks, even better. Nothing says, “everlasting” like topical humor.
5. #fitlittlebride. Fuck you.
6. Email the shit out of your bridesmaids. Be demanding but vague. Be wordy without saying anything. Make. Tons. Of. Spreadsheets. Include everyone on every email, regardless of its relevance. Pick absurdly expensive outfits for your bridesmaids. Insinuate the need for weight loss, hair cuts, and wardrobe upgrades. Set unreasonable deadlines and become disproportionately angry when they are not met.
7. Have too many parties. Multiple engagement parties. Bridal shower. Bachelor and bachelorette party (clean versions for cousins and co-workers). Bachelor and bachelorette party (debaucherous version for BFFs). Bridal shower. Bridal brunch. Rehearsal dinner. Religious ceremony. Party. Reception in different city for out-of-towners. Do it all! People have unlimited time! And you will only get married once! Or twice. Maybe three times. Hopefully not four.
8. Act like your wedding is the only wedding. Like the Lord himself, there is only your wedding, praised be it. It is perfectly reasonable to assume people will fly across the country for a Tuesday night engagement party. And a shower the next week. And a bachelorette party the Monday before your Sunday wedding. You are the only wedding. There is no other wedding like you, oh wedding. Definitely make people feel bad if they can’t attend every event.
9. Care about what everyone thinks. Mom, sister, sister-in-law, sister-in-law’s roommate who saw this one thing on Pinterest that you just have to do because it was so adorbs–listen to them all. Take everyone’s suggestion. This cake shop was on Kitchen Nightmares? Perfect. Penis balloon centerpieces are really in right now? Start blowing em’ up. What’s that, mom? Our first dance should be Cher’s version of “I Found Someone?” Two words: Love. It.
10. Have a photo shoot, not a wedding. Your wedding is not a public declaration of your undying love for the person you have spent years forging a powerful, almost divine relationship with. It is an opportunity for hundreds upon hundreds of really excellent pictures. It doesn’t matter how a dress looks as you walk down the aisle, it’s how it looks in soft light hanging up against a random rock wall. Does that bouquet smell like your dead grandmother’s funeral? If it looks good in an overhead shot, plug those nostrils. Your wedding is not about enjoying the moment. It’s about redoing the cake cutting to make sure your friend’s cousin got a blurry shot on her iPhone.
11. Play “Cupid Shuffle.” Down, down, do your dance, do your dance at least twice in a two-hour timespan and definitely act like you’ve never heard the song before and squeal like it’s the most fun any human could have moving their feet to music.
12. Get blackout drunk. I want you nodding off at the sweetheart table. I want you outdrinking your Irish Catholic uncle. I want your penis so small and soft from those whiskey shots that someone might mistake it for a moldy peach. I want 15-minute, YouTube-worth speeches. I want vomit in the limo. I want you to spend the best day of your life like it’s a mid-afternoon tailgate.
13. Get divorced really quickly. Now that you’ve taken up hours upon hours of your friends’ time, spent tens of thousands of your parents’ dollars, and found at least ten new gray hairs on your 24-year-old head, be sure to get divorced within a year. Nothing says, “this was all worth it” like a hyper quick breakup. Don’t give the gifts back, don’t take down those beautiful photos, don’t tell your closest friends. Just switch your relationship status to single and hop on Tinder. Free at last, baby, free at last!