The 10 Different Kinds Of Dicks

The Cell Phone Dick

At restaurants, a movie, the grocery store, shopping, the dog park, PUBLIC PLACES, this dick wants you to know he knows people and HE BE TALKING TO THEM. The conversations are never normal. They are always about how he got so wasted the night before, just signed a huge account, is totally ending it with his “old lady,” or needs to run because it’s time to hit the gym. Nobody needs to be talking i.e. screaming into his or her phone about meaningless things in public. This self-involved dick needs to be straight up DISCONNECTED! BAM!

The Boss Dick

Gets there late. Leaves early. This dick assigns you meaningless work because he’s never had an ounce of power in his life. He makes you do his work so he can update his LinkedIn. He walks around the office drinking coffee just to make sure you’re working. Meaning: working on his work. He wants his office to be just like “Mad Men.” He treats women unequal, sends out the worst spam emails of a hippo humping a parrot or something and always acts extremely busy. And you know he has a small dick.

The Road Dick

A huge pet peeve of mine is when someone doesn’t use his or her blinker. It’s like saying, “I don’t care if you know that I’m turning, because I don’t know what thinking of others means.” This dicks thinks big SUV’s are cool, horsepower means something, speed is more than just a movie, and couldn’t give a shit about anyone else on the road. “Hey I’m changing lanes!” is what he says to the person he’s talking to on the phone.

The Bar Dick

You know when you’re at a packed bar and you’d like to grab some beers? Or maybe suck on a few lemons for dinner? Well this dick at the end of the bar is yelling, waving money, screaming things like “Bro!” and “Honey!” and “Babe!” This is the guy who ruins going to crowded bars, because he shoves his way past everyone else waiting because bro honey’s he needs to get his drink on! More than you!

The Bottle Service Dick

Oh this guy. He lives off credit. He’s a 30K millionaire. He’s wearing shirts with skulls and words like “Rock Death” and “Party Machine.” This is his time to shine. To sit at a table where he believes VIP actually means very important person and walks around the club grabbing ladies to join him and his “crew.” Bottle service to this dick is the equivalent to a normal person getting free Internet. 

The Guy In A Rush Dick

We all have places we need to be. But some people’s places are more needed to be at than others (is how I would imagine this guy saying that). But the truth is, no. Unless that person is sick or pregs or something. This is the guy who cuts in line, doesn’t hold the elevator, throws people to their deaths to get a cab, always snorts the first line of cocaine….wait. But you know this guy. He’s the guy always in front of you throwing out meaningless mass apologies as he just needs a pack of gum because “it’s an emergency.”

The Money Dick

“Oh man, my account balance is down to $14,528.00.” Really? This dick makes you feel like a poverty stricken mess when you mention “overdraft” (which is a popular word in my vocabulary). He talks about stocks, investments, home ownership (are those things real?) and spends more money on his leased car than your 400 square foot apartment. Not a dick because he has money, a dick because he acts like he has money.

The Political Dick

The dicks head is harder than (it’s too easy; insert dick/hard joke here) and he doesn’t care what anybody says because HE READ A POST ON POLITICO TODAY AND KNOWS WHAT’S UP PEOPLE. His views are the only views. He doesn’t realize he doesn’t know much, but boy if you disagree with his views then you might as well be a communist.

The Opinionated Dick

You’ve seen a movie? So has this guy. But he saw it waaaay better than you. You want to order fish tacos? This guy will tell you why you might have just made the worst decision of your life. This dick doesn’t have conversations. He just talks. And talks. And talks. And..

The Actual Dick

A general term for the organs with which male and hermaphrodite animals introduce sperm intoreceptive females during copulation. 

You should like Thought Catalog on Facebook here.

image – Shutterstock