College Bro, what are you doing right now? Lying in bed, kind of hungover, surfing the Internet on your iPad 3000 (what do the kids use?), looking at Facebook photos of girls who aren’t interested in sleeping with you?
Yup. Sad. Let’s change that. Pull up Google and look up “animal shelters near [College Town X].” Then take a bong rip (because you were planning on doing that anyway), borrow your roommate’s car and pick out a puppy. Then bring it home.
I’m entirely serious. If I could redo college, there’s only one thing I would change. And it wouldn’t be partying more, drinking less or being in a relationship my senior year. It would be, the moment I left my freshman dorm, buying a three or four-month old dog.
I know what you’re thinking: A puppy is so much work. No, it’s not. You put it in a crate and it stays in the crate. Responsibility-wise, it’s the equivalent of owning a refrigerator. Yea, you occasionally have to go outside with it, but I know you go on a daily 4:20 blunt walk. Don’t act like you don’t. So take the dog along and your life has no longer been inconvenienced.
It’s going to shit and piss everywhere. So it’s no different than the friends you already have? Take a whiff of your living room. What scents to you detect? Febreeze, mainly, but also vomit and beer. You think some doggy poo is going to tip the scales? Make your place unlivable?
Won’t I have to train it? Buy treats and tell it to do things. Then use the Internet. Look, stop with the excuses about why you shouldn’t get a dog. You should. It will singlehandedly change your life.
Sunday morning, you woke up alone. I know you did. Because you couldn’t seal the deal. You were chatting with a girl and things were going well and you wanted to get out of there (with her), but didn’t know how to broach it.
You vacillated between saying “Want to take some shots back at my place?” and “Want to go back to my place to take some shots?” And even if she was into you and wanted liquor, there’s no way that move doesn’t reek of sleaziness. So you either declined to ask or she politely said no, because she has decency.
Well guess what? If you’ve listened to me, and are already back from the shelter with your adorable little collie-lab mix, you will NEVER have that conversation ever again.
Let’s flash backwards to that Saturday. You’re having your conversation with a girl, and when you’re ready to ask her to go back home with you, you don’t even ask. You just say this: “Hey, I’m really sorry, but I have to go. I’ve got to let my puppy out.”
Watch her face drop. First off, you are the only man at this bar/party/your school who owns a puppy (I looked it up). And women, ladies, bitches, whatever you want to call them, LOVE PUPPIES. Now there are only two more lines of dialogue before she leaves with you.
1. “OMG YOU HAVE A PUPPY.”
2. “Yea. You wanna come walk her*?”
Congratulations. You never again need to awkwardly and uncomfortably invite a girl back to your place. You have gamed the system, both brilliantly and adorably.
* I forgot to mention this but the puppy needs to be female. I can’t explain this, but women are more attracted to girl dogs. And for some stupid reason, when a guy owns a female puppy, he immediately becomes more sensitive and caring. It’s like, look at you, you live with a girl. You must get them.