Last week my friend called to see if wanted to drink some scotch.
“Sorry. I can’t. Big first date tonight.”
“Nice. Where’d you meet her?”
“Umm…” I said, my hesitant response belying the truth.
“If you say Twitter again, I’m not going to speak to you for a week.”
“I, umm, we uhhh… I met her on, uhhh. LinkedIn?”
A few months ago, I got invited to a happy hour hosted by fellow dating bloggers. I wasn’t interested in going, but I felt obligated since one of them personally invited me. Toward the end of the evening, she pulled me aside.
“Hey. I’ve seen how you flirt with some of your followers. Please, whatever you do, don’t become one of those guys that sleeps around on Twitter.”
My first reaction was “Wait, people can get laid using Twitter?”
My second thought was “Why wouldn’t I want to be known as one of those guys?”
My third move was to post immediately about the size of my penis.
“Reasonable, given my Jewish heritage.”
A follower asked if I was referring to my matzoh consumption.
Driving home, I was dumbfounded by this concept. Sure, Twitter is an interactive playground, but would girls really sleep with guys just because of how they tweet?
I had to find out.
My first few attempts were failures, hitting on girls with couple pictures as their avatars or ones that apologetically DM’ed later to say they were lesbian. But after eight months of blogging, incessant tweeting and meeting women, I have figured out the formula. And I am ready to present to all of you my seven-step, foolproof guide to get laid using Twitter.
Please note: Although this guide is tailored toward picking up women, it is not applicable to men alone. I believe it would work for girls as well, but I have never tried, as a female, to pick up a guy.
Step One: Create
“Welcome to Twitter!” your inbox reads. So now what? The first step is to cultivate your appearance. I have it easy because as an anonymous blogger, I don’t have post a photo of myself. But even if you have flaws, the World Wide Web is wonderful at hiding them. Got a lazy eye? Just hold your head askance, raise a martini glass to the left side of your face and congratulations. You are now sexy, mysterious and suave. It’s that easy.
As for the bio, the more esoteric the better. People are attracted to the unique and different. Go with something no one’s ever written before, like “I’m a sucker for the perfect mango salsa, but only if it’s served with Hint of Lime Tostitos” or “I’m watching four baby lemurs, but only until their mother comes back from her trip Marseille.” It doesn’t need to make sense. Just be intriguing. In doing so, you’ve already separated yourself from the morass of “20-somethings in our Nation’s capital just living the dream.”
Seriously, fucking two-thirds of my followers have that exact bio.
Step Two: Engage
What’s that? Attractive, spry women aren’t tweeting flirty messages at you right away? Well, opening an online door doesn’t just score you an internet blowjob. Think of Twitter as one gigantic bar. And every girl is four vodka sodas deep. If you stand in the corner and converse with your friends, shyly sipping Miller Lites, you aren’t going to meet anyone. You have to interact. It’s the same as hitting on women, but on Twitter, all the troublesome worries are removed. You don’t have to avoid staring at their boobs. You don’t need to instantly come up with a witty response. And you don’t need to be intimidated by looks. Flirt the fuck away.
Step Three: Tailor
This is critical. While it may work on a few women, the majority of them aren’t interested in knowing that you are about to slug a protein shake then max out on squats. “325 Brah. 325!”
You have to make yourself interesting to the person you’re interested in. And on Twitter, that’s unreasonably easy. You don’t actually have to score a behind-the-scenes tour of the Holocaust Museum to impress the girl who just tweeted about her Elie Wiesel Book Club. No. But you can tweet that while on your couch taking bong rips of opium. It’ll still make her heart flutter. The idea is not to be the perfect man, just to seem like the perfect man. Does she want a “guy who knows his way around a kitchen?” Well holy fuck, isn’t that a huckleberry pie you’ve got baking in the oven?
Step Four: Patience
This is the most important step of all. And the hardest. If you engage a girl in a flirty little back-and-forth, think of it as calling her for the first time. The absolute last thing you would do is call her 45 minutes later to tell her that you were just thinking about how much you both love hamburgers. No. You would wait a few god damn days. Just because Twitter makes it easy to interact doesn’t mean you should.
A girl won’t notice if you don’t tweet at her for six days, but she sure as shit will remember if you hit her up four times in one hour.
Alongside patience, it’s important to pick your spots. Only tweet someone when you’re certain they’ll love the comment and respond. You want to make your charges swoon every time you tweet at them. So while you may absolutely want to write her when she asks if anyone “can recommend a good cocktail to forget a stressful day” it’s not going to help things if you suggest “Beer.”
Step Five: Direct Message
So you’ve got a healthy, interactive Twitter relationship going, one where she’ll respond when you tweet derogatory jokes about Moroccans. Excellent. So what’s your next step? Go back to Step Four. Be even more patient. There is nothing worse than someone who sends out a direct message after three or four good interactions.
“So, you seem fun. How’s about we grab a drink this week.”
No. No. And fucking no. It makes you sound like you have as much sex as Steven Hawking. Be patient. Seem like you don’t care. The odds are that if you two are already somewhat flirting publicly on the internet, she has some type of interest in you. It may be as mild as “he’s kinda funny” or “he looks cute in his avatar.” But it’s an interest. And you want to cultivate that.
What you do is send a DM out of nowhere, not in the middle of a conversation, but days after one has happened.
And no matter what, do not ask them out in your first message. Bring up some past conversation, make it seem like you are still dwelling on something they said. For example, if on Thursday you and your girl were talking about Pandora stations, DM her on Sunday.
“You were right, that Summer Hits of 2000 station is fantastic. Ever other song is Nelly. And I love Nelly.”
Now whatever you say in this step, do not ask a question. Your natural desire will be to do that, to force a response. Don’t. It makes you look weak. Like a wounded ocelot.
Step Six: Steer and Suggest
She’ll write back. Of course she will. You’ve spent days, weeks or even months creating a relationship to ensure this. And now, you’re privately messaging a girl you want to sleep with. So again, resist the urge to ask her out. Instead, steer the conversation toward things people can do together. Casually bring up activities or alcohol. Since you’ve been paying attention (stalking), you’ll know which cues tug at her emotional strings.
For example, Midway through direct messaging, drop an “oh by the way.”
“I’m going to Lucky Strike tonight. They have three dollar margaritas.”
If you’ve done everything correctly, she’ll respond, “No way! Bowling and tequila are my absolute two favorite things. But not necessarily in that order. LOL.”
To which you respond, “Are you kidding? That’s awesome. We should go bowling some time. And then maybe grab some margaritas afterward.”
And that’s it. You are all set.
Oh, wait. Step Seven. I forgot to mention that.
Step Seven is fucking. Hardcore, on-the-floor, rug-burn-inducing, Twitter-cultivated fucking.