The dating game isn’t fair. Attraction isn’t just. Nobody is “owed” a date. If attraction were fair, Justin Bieber would have to work to get a date, and your class valedictorian would have throngs of adoring fans throwing themselves at him. And, because it isn’t fair, most people don’t want to hear the real reasons they can’t get a date.
Below are honest reasons why you might be dateless. In a fair world, these wouldn’t matter. The bad news is that we live in the real world. The good news is that with a little work, these things can be changed or their impact minimized.
1. You are too fat.
Most of the people I know who are chronically single are over thirty pounds overweight. They observe that when they lose weight, they get more romantic attention. Some experts assert that we subconsciously find fit people attractive because they are more likely to produce healthy offspring.
A recent trend, especially among some women, is to “celebrate” being obese. It may raise awareness, but guys aren’t suddenly changing their attraction standards because of a social media campaign. And, overweight guys, women don’t find your beer gut photos attractive, no matter how funny you think it looks. While I am all for embracing who you are and loving yourself, don’t be shocked if “who you are” keeps you single.
2. You are too old.
A data analysis of OKCupid users found that men of all ages, from recent high school graduates to men in nursing homes, find women in their late teens the most attractive. Women, on the other hand, prefer men who are relatively close to their own age.
So, a woman in her forties has lost a lot of her attraction power. A 40-something woman may wonder why guys aren’t lining up to ask her out anymore, but it is a simple result of male preference for younger women.
Of course, while older men may like younger women, that doesn’t mean young women like them back. So, older guys, this might explain why those 20-somethings aren’t responding to your texts.
3. You are too boring.
I know guys who can (and will) rattle off every known fact about the Star Wars universe, or women who think a good conversation is sitting silently across from a guy. As a dating coach, I regularly hear positive stories about dates, and they never, ever, go like this…”He was so boring, I just fell in love!” or “She sat awkwardly silent the whole time, so we are planning to do it again next week!” Boring people are often single (and lack friends).
4. You aren’t special. Really, you’re not.
Oh, so you love watching Netflix? You are a huge fan of Supernatural? Do you just love Ohio State football? You dyed your hair blue to express your personality? Guess what? You have that in common with hundreds of thousands of other people. You are not special. Now…if you own Netflix, produce episodes of Supernatural, or play for Ohio State, well, then, you probably are special.
You aren’t owed a date because you have a particular interest you share with everyone else. You aren’t owed a date just because you happen to describe yourself as “pretty awesome,” “adorable,” or “very chill” on your Tinder profile. If you want a date, get out and do something unique and valuable to others, and then people will flock to you.
So, in conclusion, attraction and dating can be harsh, but sometimes owning up to reality can be your first step in improving your own reality.