Tracking Your Package: An Open Interpretation Of Shipment Notifications


Order Received: Your order has been received. You will receive several emails about discounts on your next order, plus a catalog in the mail long before your package arrives.

Boxing: Item has been placed in a box that is 5x the size of the item. Extra space has been filled with plastic bags full of air.

Processing: Package has been placed on a Rube-Goldberg-esque series of conveyor belts and will be going on a fun rollercoaster-ride through the warehouse for the next 48 hours.

Loading: Your package has been loaded onto a vehicle that is not quite truck, yet not quite van. The vehicle has poor gas milage and no driver’s side door.

Departure Scan: Your package is on its way.

Arrival Scan: Your package has arrived in Williamsport, PA.

Departure Scan: Your package is on its way. If you think this next stop is your home, you are naïve.

Arrival Scan: Your package has arrived in Spokane, WA.

Departure Scan: Your package is on its way to not your house again. It is going somewhere, yes, but not your house. Just try and forget you ordered it, and it will be a surprise when it eventually arrives.

Arrival Scan: Your package has arrived somewhere Delaware. Does it matter specifically where in Delaware? What would you do with that information? Are you going to call someone? In Delaware?

Departure Scan: Your package is on it’s way. To your address!

Arrival Scan: Fooled you! It’s in Kentucky. We’re not making you read these notifications, you know.

Departure Scan: Your package is on it’s way. Seriously, this time it’s really on it’s way to you.

Arrival Scan: Your package is in Asia. Just kidding! That would be crazy, we don’t even deliver to Asia because we don’t own boats or planes. All we have are the trucks with no door. So we can deliver to Canada, which is where your package is.

Delay: Your package has been held at customs.

Departure Scan: Your package has left Canada, eh? Picked up some local lingo while we were up there. Poutine!

Arrival Scan: Your package has arrived in New York, NY. Hey, that’s where you live!

Out For Delivery: Your package is on its way to your house in Manhattan!

Delivery Failure: You live in an apartment? Ugh. Okay, so we came by around 2 in the afternoon. Why weren’t you there? What were you doing at 2 in the afternoon that was so important that you couldn’t be home to buzz us in? It’s like, you’ve been waiting for this package for a while now, right? Seems a little ironic. We’ll try again at the same time tomorrow.

Delivery Failure: We’re really starting to think you don’t even want this package. We even told you exactly when we’d be at your place! This is literally the definition of ironic. Tomorrow’s your last chance. 2pm. Your apartment. Be there. Wait today’s Friday, we’ll be there on Monday actually. At 2pm.

Delivery Failure: You can pick your package up at our store. In Queens. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

I’m not above blowing my nose into a paper napkin at a restaurant.

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